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Charmed
style answering machine slogans
Hi, here is the Manor, the halliwells have gone to battle a demon but
Grams spirit is around and will gladly assist you
Hi, here are the Charmed Ones. We are not at home so please
leave a message on the spirit board
Hi, this is zankou. If you want me to come kill to you
in a fancy glamour, please leave
a description of the person I shall turn in as well as your address
Yo, woogy here, after the beep you will be possesssed
Blessed be, sir or madam, you have reached the Elders. We are sorry but we can't
tell you anything. You can't leave a message either. Yes, we are completelely
useless.
Hello, Chris speaking, leave a message and i will come
back from the future to get back to you
Borgism/Borg
hails
Borg hails:
This is Grams of Borg, marriage is futile. You will be Charmed again.
Zankou: We are the woogy .. um, Borg! Your knowledge about the nexus will be
added to our own.
This is Leo of Borg, repairing the manor is futile. Demon violation is expected.
Borgism:
I am Kit of Borg, gender is irrelevant.
I am Leo the handyman electrician of Borg, resistance is voltage divided by
current.
I am Phoebe of Borg, planning for the future is irrelevant.
I am Piper of Borg who loves Leo. Dan is irrelevant.
I am Clare the boss-lady of Borg, trying to stop Prue from
leaving for her family emergencies is futile.
Breen's Charmed site
Lightbulb jokes
How many avatars does it take to change a lightbulb?
The whole collective but the COs will force them to reverse it anyway
so they don't bother.
How many woogys does it take to change the lightbulb?
Woggys don't change lightbulbs, they possess them
How many Zankous does it take to change the lightbulb?
It would take only 1 but before changing the lightbulb he always wanders off
to search for the nexus.
How many Elders does it take to change a lightbulb?
They've left the Charmed Ones in the dark about a lot of things for years.
Why change now?
Source: TWOP
How many Phoebes does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. She's far too busy changing her outfits to be bothered with housework.
How many Prue's does it take to change a lightbulb?
When Prue found out she was going to be kicked off the show, it was she who
broke all the lightbulbs in the first place.
How many Coles does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. He is the source of all evil. He prefers the dark.
How many Darryls does it take to change a lightbulb?
He has to check with the Charmed Ones to see if the lightbulb is broken due to
magical reasons, and if so, he has to let them fix it.
How many Charmed Ones does it take to change the lightbulb?
Three.
Phoebe has a premonition that the lightbulb needs changing, Paige tries to orb
the new lightbulb into its place but misses and Piper blows the whole damn thing
up.
Quotes you will never hear in Charmed
Piper: Good job Paige. Prue couldn't ve done better.
Piper: Ok its Phoebes turn to cook, I can't wait!
Leo: Hey the elsers actually know about whats going on!!!
Darryl: Orb into my office any time Leo!
Piper: im telling you, bungee jumping and skydiving realy are what i want to do
for my birthday
Charmed gets CYBORGed
Paige
P.A.I.G.E.: Positronic Android Intended for Galactic Exploration
Phoebe
P.H.O.E.B.E.: Positronic Humanoid Optimized for Efficient Battle and Exploration
Piper
P.I.P.E.R.: Positronic Individual Programmed for Exploration and Repair
Prue
P.R.U.E.: Person Responsible for Ultimate Exploration
Leo
L.E.O.: Lifeform Engineered for Observation
Cole
C.O.L.E.: Construct Optimized for Logical Exploration
Wyatt
W.Y.A.T.T.: Wireless Ytterbium Android Trained for Troubleshooting
Chris
C.H.R.I.S.: Cybernetic Humanoid Responsible for Infiltration and Sabotage
get more names
cyborged
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
Billie: I am sssure it wanted to find itssss sssissster!
Piper: To flee from the Angel of Destiny - it didn't want to become a frozen
chicken!
Coop: Don't know, I was not sent down for this chicken.
Christie: Because the triad wanted it to cross - its sister and the road.
Prue: I just hope it wasn't for personal gain.
Piper: That chicken will be screwed.
Phoebe: Was it a handsome chicken?
Paige: Cross? Why not just orb?
Cole: Only upper-level chicken can cross the road.
Patty: Just leave him be. He has his reasons.
Grams: Darling, what's your problem with that chicken?
Victor: See? I told you, you can't trust chicken, they're sneaky little
bastards.
Wyatt: Goo goo ga ga goo?
The Source: What... is this... chicken? Oracle, what could this mean?
by Wya
Leo: I'm going to go and check with the Elders.
Chris: I remember a story about a chicken from the future ...
by KimEvenstar
Charmed-Boards
Natalie: Crossing the road is against the rules.
Darryl: Please, don't tell me. I don't wanna know about chickens.
Andy: I bet Prue has something to do with that chicken.
The Crone: I feel a strong presence in that chicken. It has potential.
Andras: I have enraged this chicken so it crossed the road!
Barbas: A chicken crossing the road .. is that your greatest fear?
Avatar Alpha: to weaken the collective .. damn chicken
Elder Odin: it was the chicken's free choice and nobody knows who put the corn
line
across the road, right?
General jokes
Walking home after a witches' night out,
Phoebe and Paige pass a graveyard and stop to pee. Paige has nothing to wipe
with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Phoebe, however, finds a ribbon
on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, Henry talks to Coop, furious: "Paige came home last night without
her panties!"
"That's nothing," Coop sighs. "Phoebe came back with a card stuck between her
butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget
you.'"
Piper and Leo are in bed.
Leo: Sorry honey, I've got to go.
Piper: WHAT? Go where?
Leo: A charge needs me.
Piper: I need you.
Leo: Bye (orbs out)
(Orbs into a bedroom)
Phoebe: Finally. I've been calling for 10 minutes.
Paige was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told
Henry, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day.
What do you think it means?"
"You shall know tonight", he said.
That evening, Henry came home with a small package and gave it to
Paige. Delighted, she opened it - only to find a book
entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".
What was Alyssa's favourite subject in school?
Spelling
Leo, now mortal and in his 80s, calls Wyatt in New York one
November day.
Leo, "Wyatt, I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the
house. Piper and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce.
I've had it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I'm telling you
now, so you and Chris shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."
He hangs up, and Wyatt immediately calls Chris and tells him the news.
Chris says, "I'll handle this."
Chris calls the manor and says to Leo, "Don't do ANYTHING till we get there!
We'll be there Wednesday night."
Leo agrees, "All right."
He hangs up the phone and turns to Piper, "Okay, they're coming for
Thanksgiving. Now, what are we going to tell them for Christmas?"
by sodoto
Source: TWOP
Did you hear about that Phoebe has frozen to death at the
drive-in theater?
She went to see "Closed For The Winter"
Source: TWOP
Little Chris is taking a shower with his mum, when he asks,
"Mommy, what are
those things on your chest?" Not wanting to answer Piper quickly changes the
subject. The next day Little Chris goes up to Phoebe and asks "What are those
things on Mommy's and your and Auntie Paige's chests?" Phoebe replies "Well,
Chris those are balloons so that when one of us dies they will inflate and make
us float to heaven".
A couple of days later Piper comes home early from work and is greeted by Little
Chris, who runs out and says "Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Phoebe is dying!" Curious,
Piper asks him "Honey, what are you talking about?" to which Little Chris
replies "Well, Uncle Harry is blowing up her balloons and she's yelling 'Oh God
I'm coming' ".
Source: TWOP
Why does it take Phoebe so long to proof her column?
Its hard to read a computer screen covered with white out.
Source: TWOP
Piper, Paige and Phoebe jump off a building...who arrives
last?
Phoebe, of course...she got lost on the way down and had to ask for directions.
Source: TWOP
The mailman arrives at the Halliwell Manor on the last day
before retirement, to be greeted by a scantily clad Phoebe. She takes him to her
bedroom, where they have hours of mind-blowing sex. She then fixes him a
wonderful meal.
When he is ready to leave, she slips him a dollar bill.
"What is that for? " He asks.
Phoebe: " Oh, when I told my sister that this was your last
day, Piper said screw him, give him a dollar! The meal was my idea. "
Source: TWOP
Prue, Piper, and Paige are killed by a demon, and float up to
heaven. There an elder tells them that because they're the Charmed Ones, they
automatically get into heaven, but their earthly lives will still determine how
well they live there.
"Basically we will look at how moral you are and assign you your transportation
according to that. So the sluttier you are, the worse off you'll be."
The elder turns to Paige and looks at her records.
"Paige, you've been pretty moral, but there have been all those slampieces. So
you will get an old Ford."
He then turns to Prue and looks at her records.
"Prue, you've been very moral, but not completely perfect. Therefore we will
give you a BMW."
He turns to Piper, looks at her records, and gives an
impressed nod.
"Piper, you have been the most moral of the sisters, having married and commited
to a monogamous relationship with Leo. How you managed to do that with a
pantywaist like him, I don't know, but for reward we will give you a Rolls
Royce."
So the sisters get into their cars and drive off through the
heavenly gate.
One day Piper is driving in her Rolls, when she spots Prue rolling around the
ground, laughing hysterically. She stops the car, and walks towards Prue.
"Prue, what's so funny?" she asks her sister.
"I just saw Phoebe."
"What's so weird about that?"
"She was riding a skateboard."
Source: TWOP
So Phoebe finds a magic lamp with a genie inside. For her
first wish, she says, "I'd like to be ten times smarter."
The genie turns her into Paige.
Paige says, "Wow! This is cool! I understand selflessness now!
I'd like to be ten more times smarter!"
She is turned into Piper.
Piper suddenly realizes, "Hmm, things aren't as great as I
always thought they were. I now understand that dressing like a slut isn't all
it's cracked up to be. Darn. I want to be ten thousand times dumber, please."
The genie turns her into Leo.
Source: TWOP
So one day Holly and Eilish are in a mall, and they happen to
run into each other at the book store. As luck would have it, somehow a burning
candle was unattended, and the store caught fire. The flames were quickly
doused, but not before Eilish's face was badly burned. Being the kind person she
is, Holly donated some skin from... ahem ... her "backside" ... for skin grafts.
Obviously neither one tells anybody where the skin was from, since it's kind of
embarrassing. But, oddly, Eilish looks better than she ever has before, and
keeps getting compliments.
One day she calls Holly up and says, "Thank you so much, Holly. I don't know how
I could ever repay you!"
To which Holly replies: "Think nothing of it. I get thanks enough every time I
see Brad [Kern] kiss you on the cheek!"
Source: TWOP
Phoebe went to the store and said "I want to buy that TV."
The salesman said, "Sorry, Phoebe, but we don't sell to you."
So, Phoebe went home and cast a spell to glamour her into Paige.
The next day, she went back to the store and said, "I'd like to buy that TV."
The salesman said, "I'm sorry, Phoebe, but we don't sell to you."
Once again, Phoebe went home, cast a spell to glamour herself
into Piper and then went right back to the store.
"I'd like to buy this TV."
Again, the salesman said, "I'm sorry, we don't sell to you Phoebe."
Finally, she asked, "How do you know I'm Phoebe?"
The man said, "Because that's not a TV; it's a microwave."
Source: TWOP
Piper and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight
from San Francisco to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?
Piper, tired and unable to freeze him due to a crowded palne, just wants to take
a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The
lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He
explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me
$5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says,
"Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500.00." This catches Piper's attention and, figuring
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" Piper doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls
out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer,
puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no
answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the
library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends
and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes Piper, and hands her
$500.00. Piper says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Piper
again and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, Piper reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.
Source: TWOP
Phoebe, Piper, Prue and Paige are stranded on a rock in the
middle of the sea. The only way off the island is to swim to the mainland, 4
miles away.
Prue swims 1 mile, but Shax pays her a visit and she now swims
with the fishes.
Paige swims 2 miles, but her insecurities on whether she can
live up to Prue's reputation drowns her ... literally.
Piper swims 3 miles, but one very energetic stroke causes her
to blow herself up.
Phoebe swims 3.99 miles, feels tired and swims all the way
back for a rest.
Source: TWOP
Piper's idea of a perfect day:
Wyatt is on the cover of " Newsweek. "
Chris is on the cover of " GQ. "
Her home is on the cover of " House And Gardens "
Her boyfriend is on the cover of " Playgirl "
Phoebe and Leo are on the back of a milk carton.
Source: TWOP
What do you call Piper standing between Phoebe and Paige?
An interpreter.
Source: TWOP
Leo orbs into the kitchen one day, and he's holding a
cardboard box. Paige is there making a potion, and notices that there seems to
be music emanating from the box.
"What's in there?" she asks.
Wordlessly, Leo opens the box and pulls out a small man
playing a mini grand piano. Paige gasps in both surprise and amusement. She asks
Leo how he got the little man. Still silent, Leo hands her a genie bottle.
Paige, forgetting that she's encountered a genie before, grabs
the bottle and decides to make a wish. After all, she is having money problems.
"Genie," she says as she rubs the bottle, "I'd like a million
bucks."
Poof! Suddenly the sound of raucous quacking fills the air.
Confused, Paige leaves the kitchen only to find poultry filling the other rooms
of the manor. There are so many she can't even see the floor.
"What? Is this genie deaf? I asked for a million bucks, not a
million ducks!"
Leo sighs, rolls his eyes, and says, "Of course he's deaf. Do
you really think I'd wish for a twelve inch pianist?"
Source: TWOP
Paige, Piper, and Prue are walking along one day and come
across a magic lamp. The three pick it up and inspect it. All of a sudden,
French Stewart pops out and says that he is a genie and will grant them three
wishes, yadda yadda yadda.
Piper, Paige, and Prue decide that since all three of them
found the genie then should each get one wish. French Stewart agrees but warms
them about the catch, "Whatever you wish for, your other sister Phoebe gets
double."
First up is Piper, she pauses for a second and then says, "I
wish for a million dollars!" BAM!
A huge sack of money appears in Piper's hand and sure enough, Phoebe who is back
at the house gets two huge sacks of money.
Paige goes next. She pauses and then states, "I wish for a
BMW." BAM!
One BMW appears for Paige and back at the manor two appear in the driveway for
Phoebe.
Last up is Prue. She thinks for a minute and then says, "I
know exactly what I want." French Stewart says "Ask and ye shall recieve, but
remember the catch." Prue steps up, smiles, and says "I wish I was half dead."
Source: TWOP
Press release by the WB: "We have decided that due to the overload of trashy
shows and promotions, we must rejuvinate this channel with good storylines and
appearances by respected stars of Hollywood, and dress the actors in tasteful
and classy clothing."
Alyssa Milano didn't know what "tasteful and classy clothing"
meant. Neither did Eilish. Rose McGowan didn't know what "appearance" meant.
Brad Kern didn't know what "storylines" meant. Come to think of it, he didn't
know what "good" meant either.
Source: TWOP
From Phoebe's diary: It's been quite a quiet week really - vanquished a demon on
Monday, was chased by a ghost on Tuesday, went to the hairdressers on Wednesday,
got turned evil on Thursday and kicked the demon's ass who turn me evil on
Friday. Today has been demon free (thank god) so I have had time to work on my
levitation power
The Charmed Ones have to fight a demon in South America, so Paige, Phoebe,
Piper, and the now just human Cole, charter a small plane to take them there.
While they are flying over the mountains, the pilot, who is the only other
person on the plane, makes an announcement.
"I'm sorry," says the pilot, "one of our four engines has
broken. We're losing height, and won't get over the mountains. We need to lose
weight. One of you must jump off. I can't, I'm the pilot. We've nothing else we
can throw out. We've no parachute. Whoever jumps will die."
So Phoebe stands up, walks to the door, opens it, and says, "I know my
levitation power won't save me at this height, but hey, I can sacrifice myself
for my sisters. Charmed Ones Forever!"
And she jumps out.
Unfortunately a few minutes later, the pilot announces: I am
so sorry, you guys. Another engine has broken. Someone else must jump."
So Piper stands up, walks to the door, and with a heroic "Charmed Ones forever!"
follows her dear sister.
But yes, you've guessed it, the third engine breaks, and the
pilot makes another announcement. "One of you guys must jump," he says after
many apologises.
So Paige, without heisitation, stands up, walks to the door,
shouts "Charmed Ones Forever!" - and throws Cole out.
Phoebe goes to her doctor. Both her ears are burnt. The doctor
asks her what has happened to her ears.
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang", says Phoebe. "But
instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it
to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaims in disbelief. "But, what
happened to your other ear?"
Phoebe sighs. "The jerk called back!"
Phoebe goes on a Diet
Phoebe got a bit sensitive because there were rumours that she
was looking overweight. So she goes to the doctor. The doctor puts her on a
diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day,
then repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have
lost at least five pounds."
The next time Phoebe goes to the doctor, she's lost nearly 20
pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my
instructions?"
Phoebe nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to
drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?", said the doctor.
"No," said Phoebe, "from skipping."
The sisters, Cole and Leo are all in the living room, chatting
or reading.
"Hey," Phoebe whispers to Piper, "I bet I can make you're
boyfriend Leo really wild with happiness."
"Oh yes?" says Piper, "I bet you can't."
So Phoebe stands up, walks to the middle of the room, and does
this really sexy, erotic dance. Leo looks very happy.
"Well," says Piper back to her, "I bet I can make your
boyfriend Cole wild with happiness too."
"Oh yeah?" says Phoebe, "I bet you can't."
So Piper stands up, walks over to Prue .. and knocks her out.
Before the end of Season 3, Prue had a terrible row with
Phoebe.
"I don't like your boyfriend Cole," said Prue. "He's no good, and I'm sure he
cheats on you."
"I don't believe it," said Phoebe, livid with rage. "Prove it!"
"Okay I will," said Prue.
It happened that Cole was going to attend a Halloween party. So Prue dressed up
in a little red riding hood outfit, hiding her face with a mask. She went to the
party, and there was Cole, in the form of the big red Balthazor. Prue was sure
he would be evil as Baltazor, so she went up to him and pretended to be a
stranger. They danced and talked, and eventually Prue got him to go with her to
a quiet room. Prue switched off the light so Balthazor couldn't see her face,
and removed her mask. They got all kissy and huggy and did all kinds of romantic
things that I won't mention here.
The next morning Prue told Phoebe what had happened. So when Cole came to the
house Phoebe confronted him.
"And how," asked Phoebe, "did your party go last night?"
"Oh," said Cole, "it was boring."
"Oh yeah," said Phoebe, staring at him.
"Yeah," said Cole, "in fact, I went home early and watched TV. Maybe I should
have stayed."
"Why is that?" asked Phoebe.
"Because I heard the guy who went in the Balthazor costume had a fantastic
time."
The Sisters go to Heaven
At the end of Season 3, Prue, Phoebe and Piper die and go to heaven. St. Peter
explains that each of them will get a car to drive around heaven, because it's a
big place. They will be given a car according to how faithful to their
boyfriends they have been.
Prue is given a battered old Dodge, because although Andy loved her, she never
went out with him and kept looking for other men.
Phoebe is given a Toyota station-wagen, because she loved Cole so very much,
although she never married him.
But Piper is given a top-of-the-range Ferrari, because she loved Leo so much,
married him even though it was forbidden, and never thought about another man.
Everything goes okay, until one day, Phoebe and Prue find Piper in floods of
tears.
"What's wrong, honey?" asks Phoebe.
"Oh, I'm so sad," says Piper, "I just saw Leo drive by......on a skateboard."
Who is the most Powerful?
One day Cole is in the house and he hears lots of noise from the living room. He
rushes in and the 3 sisters are having a terrible argument about which one is
the most powerful. Finally Prue loses her (short) temper. She starts using her
telekinetic power, and throws furniture around the room, smashes mirrors, makes
holes in the walls, and does an awful lot of damage.
Then she walks up to Phoebe. "Who is the most powerful of all?" she asks.
"You are," says a scared Phoebe.
Then Prue walks up to Piper. "Who is the most powerful of all?" she asks.
"You are," says a scared Piper.
Then Prue walks up to Cole. "Who is the most powerful of all?" she asks.
Cole turns into Balthazar, and grabs Prue by her ankles. He whirls her around
his head, and then bashes her several times into the wall. She drops to the
ground. After a few minutes she gets up and dusts herself down.
"Okay," she says, "no need to get mad just because you don't know the answer."
The Magic Mirror
The three sisters obtain this magic mirror. If you told it the truth, it would
give you a million dollars. If you told it a lie, 'poof' it would swallow you up
in a magical cloud of smoke. According to some, Prue is the most intelligent
sister, Phoebe is the most vivacious sister, and Piper........is the best cook.
But being sisters, they are all jealous of each other.
Prue walks up to the mirror. "I think I'm the most vivacious women in the
world." 'Poof', she vanishes in a cloud of smoke.
Piper walks up to the mirror. "I think I am the most intelligent person in the
world." 'Poof', she vanishes in a cloud of smoke.
Phoebe walks up to the mirror. "I think ........." 'Poof', she vanishes in a
cloud of smoke.
Paige goes to the Magic Shop
The club P3 was doing bad financially, so the sisters had
little money left. One day, Piper gave some money to Paige.
"Here are two 100 dollar bills," she said. "It's all of our
money. Take it to the magic shop, and buy the ingredients for our spells. We
have a dangerous demon to fight."
Paige took the two notes and left. She didn't come back, so
Piper sent Cole out to look for her. He found her in an alley. She had been
attacked and hurt, and she couldn't walk.
"What happened?" he asked.
"I was mugged," she whispered. "The mugger stole one of the
notes. But luckily I managed to hide the other 100 dollar bill."
Cole looked at the note she was holding. "I see. But why
didn't you call out for Leo to come and help you?"
"I can hardly talk. I tried to shout for help, but no one can
hear me in this alley."
"Yes, I can see that," said Cole.
So he grabbed the other 100 dollar bill and ran off.
How Prue really died
Cole and Prue went out hunting demons, and as the other
sisters couldn't join them, they brought guns with them. Piper was in the house
when the phone rang. It was Cole.
"Oh dear, a terrible accident has happened to Prue", said
Cole.
"Oh no, what's happened?" said Piper.
"We were chasing a demon, and the guns weren't having any
effect. Then the demon climbed up the side of this tall building. Prue tried to
climb up after it, but half-way up she slipped, and fell to the hard concrete
below. I think she's dead."
Ok, calm down", said Piper. "The first thing you have to do is
make sure she's dead."
There was a pause, followed by the sound of a gun-shot.
"I'm sure she's dead", said Cole, "what now?"
And the moral is ..
During the third season of Charmed, Leo was asked to deliver a
speach about his witches to the Powers that Be. Each story he told was to
include a moral. He stood in front of the crowd, and he was introduced by a
senior Whitelighter.
"I'd first like to tell a story about Piper," Leo said. "She
needed to get some rare ostrich eggs as part of a potion she was brewing. So she
went to the zoo and got 20 eggs. She put them in a basket, but on the way home
she tripped. The eggs fell out of the basket and they all got broken."
"That's a very good story," said the senior Whitelighter. "And
the moral of that story is, don't put all your eggs in one basket?"
"Yes," said Leo. "And now I'd like to tell you a story about
Phoebe. She was chasing this demon who ran to the top of a building. The demon
ran along the roof and jumped. Phoebe was about to jump after it, and use her
levitation power to lower herself down to the ground and keep running after it.
Then she stopped, and carefully looked over the edge of the roof. The demon
could fly, and was hovering there, waiting to ambush her. She vanquished the
demon with a spell."
"Another good story," said the senior Whitelighter. "And the
moral of that story is, of course, look before you leap?"
"Yes," said Leo. "And now I'd like to finish with a story
about Prue. She was using a flying spell to chase some demons, and was flying
high overhead when one of the demons struck her with a magic lightning bolt. She
started to fall. All she had with her was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun,
and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and
then she landed right in the middle of 100 fierce demons. She killed seventy of
them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty
more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten
with her bare hands."
"Wow, that's quite a story," said the senior Whitelighter.
"But tell me, what was the moral?"
"The moral is," said Leo, "stay the hell away from Prue when
she's drunk."
The Charmed Ones are Tested
During the time Cole was good, the Elders were worried that the Charmed Ones
might be getting too soft. They decided to test them to see if they really had
the killer instinct, and Leo had to carry out the test.
Leo gathered Phoebe, Piper and Paige in the living room. There
was a huge box there with a door in the front.
"Now," Leo explained, "the Elders have made Cole completely
human. He's inside that box, tied to a chair and helpless. Phoebe, I want you to
take this gun, go inside the box and kill Cole. Then you will be a true Charmed
One."
"I can't," Phoebe said. "I love Cole and if he's human this would really kill
him." She ran crying from the room.
"Failed," Leo shouted. "Okay Piper, your turn."
"Very well," Piper said. "She took the gun, opened the door, and went inside the
box. There was silence. She came out. "I'm sorry," she said, "I just can't do
it."
"Failed," Leo shouted. "Okay Paige, let's see if you can do
any better."
Paige took the gun from Piper's hand and went inside the box, shutting the door
behind her. There was the sound of six shots. Then there were lots of crashing
and thumping noises. Then silence.
Paige came out. "I'm sorry it took so long," she said, "but
the gun was loaded with blanks, so I had to beat him to death."
Alyssa goes to Hell
Alyssa died and went to hell.
"There's been a mix-up," Satan said. "You're supposed to be in Heaven. But I
can't send you back. What I can do is let you choose the punishment you'll have
to endure for all eternity. Behind those 3 doors are 3 different types of
punishment. You must choose one."
Satan opened the first door. Inside the room was Rose, and
three demons kept dipping her in boiling oil.
"Oh no, I don't want that punishment for all eternity," Alyssa said.
Satan opened the second door. Inside the room Holly was being
stretched on a rack.
"Oh no, I don't want that punishment for all eternity," Alyssa said.
Satan opened the final door. Inside the room was Shannen. She
was chained to the wall. Julian kept dancing in front of her. He'd go up to her
and kiss her on the lips, then he'd dance some more, then he'd go up to her and
kiss her on the lips again.
Alyssa turns to the devil. "Okay Satan, I'll take that punishment for all
eternity."
Satan said "Okay," then turned and shouted into the room,
"Julian, your replacement's here."
Phoebe goes to School
When Phoebe went to school on her first day, she had a good
day. That evening she saw her big sister, Prue.
"Prue today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only
counted to 5, but listen to me: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10! That's good isn't
it?"
"Yes honey, very good," said Prue.
"Is that because I'm a Halliwell? Cuz, you're smart sis and you're a Halliwell."
"Yes, it's because you're a Halliwell."
The next day after school Phoebe saw her sister again. "Prue,
today at school we learned the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as
D, but listen to me: A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K ! That's good, isn't it?"
"Yes sister darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm a Halliwell, Prue?"
"Yes sis it's because you're a Halliwell."
The next day, Phoebe returned from school and once again saw
her sister. She was crying. "Prue, today we went swimming, and well, all the
other girls have no breasts, but look at me!" She whips off her top and proceeds
to flash her impressive figure. "Is that because I'm a Halliwell, Prue?"
"No honey, it's because you're 28."
Piper's Child
Piper has a little girl, whom she calls Petal. The girl grows up into a powerful
young teenage witch. One day Petal comes home from school, and finds everyone
gone. She suspects foul play, and casts a spell to summon the Oracle.
"Okay," says Petal, "tell me where my mother is, or I'll
vanquish you"
"Your mother had to visit a friend."
Petal suspects the Oracle is not telling the truth. "Okay,"
says Petal, "tell me where my father is."
"Your father is eating in a restaurant in New York City," says
the Oracle.
"Aha," says Petal. "Now I know you are lying. At this moment,
Leo is visiting the Elders."
"Your mother's husband is visiting the Elders," says the
Oracle. "Your father just had a hamburger and fries."
Piper: "I don't think Phoebe really understands my freezing
power. Yesterday she asked me to make her ice-cream colder"
Phoebe talking to Prue about Cole, before they found out he
was a demon: "Come on, he's really cute. Admit it, if I wasn't dating him, you'd
go for him."
Prue: ""Pheebs, if he were the last man alive on this planet I'd date outside my
species."
Leo: "The style of the Charmed Ones when they fight their
battles reminds me of Columbus. When he set out, he didn't know where he was
going. When he got there, he didn't know where he was. When he got back, he
didn't know where he had been."
Piper: "We saved a lot of innocents, and they all said, 'Thank
God we're still alive'.
But for those who died, their lives will never be the
same again."
Cole: "It's true I know a lot of powerful demons. But it's not
good to be a namedropper, as Tempus said to me the other day.
Phoebe: "I base my fighting style on Bruce Lee. He once said, if you want to hit
the Moon, aim for the Sun. That's why I only fight during the day."
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