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FunStuff > |
Charmed in Camelot | ||||||
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[Scene: Manor. Kitchen.
Paige and Richard walk in, arms around each other.] Richard: It's 'ave a looks like they're all asleep. Maybe I should sneak out of 'ere. Paige: No. Why don't yer stay for breakfast, squire? (She turns and faces hiim) 'ow do yer like yor eggs? Richard: Wot about yor sisters? Paige: Wot about them? (Paige walks backwards and trips over a pair of legs.) Richard: 'ooa! Oi! (Piper and Paige stand up.) Piper: Oh! Sorry. Yer okay? Paige: Wot are yer doin'? Piper: Tryin' to fix the bloody garbage disposal. Wotcher doin'? Paige: Messin' 'round. Piper: Ohh. Richard: Sorry, I should 'ave told yer I were 'ere. Piper: No, don't be silly. Paige is a big girl, she can 'ang out all she wants to. Not that she does, a bit, I mean. Paige: Yer can put the mockers on now. Piper: Great. Richard: Eh up, yer mind if I 'ave a look? Piper: Sure. Go ahead. (Piper offers the screwdriver to him but he doesn't take it.) Richard: Okay. (Richard turns on the power and the disposal makes a loud noise.) Paige: Woss wrong wiv the disposal, any road? Piper: Not disposin'. Wereher not werehin', cable not cablin'. Paige: Don't forget the sink up the apples and pears. Piper: It's next on me list. Paige: Sounds like fun. Piper: It's my life, right, actually, right, all about fun. (Richard holds his hand above the sink and the dirty water empties down the drain.) Richard: There yer go, as good as new. Paige: He's handy ter have 'round. Piper: Yeah. I fought yer didn't use magic anymore? Richard: Just once in a wile, for wee fings. Yer want me to fix the bleedin' washer? Paige: Yes. Piper: No. (Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Can yer lads 'elp me pick out some earrings, squire? (to Richard) 'i, I didn't know yer were 'ere. Richard: Eh up, yeah, we got in late last night. Phoebe: I see. Piper: He fixed the garbage disposal. Phoebe: Right? Piper: Mm-hm. Magically. Phoebe: Right? (to Piper) Can yer 'elp me wiv me earrings out 'ere, right, please? Piper: Sure. (Piper and Phoebe leave the room.) Paige: So how do yer like yor eggs, then, eh, luv? Scrambled or over easy? [Cut to the dining room. Phoebe is waiting on a chair. Piper walks in and Phoebe jumps up.] Phoebe: Okay, listen. Were that weird? They walk to the bottom of the stairs.) Piper: Why are yer so dressed up? Phoebe: Because I 'ave a date wiv Jason, right, but that's beside the point. Didn't Richard lose it the last time 'e used magic? I mean, like right lose it? Piper: Uh, I can assure yer that 'e stayed in complete control over the garbage disposal. Uh, right, it's seven o'clock in the chuffin' mornin', how can yer 'ave a date? Phoebe: Oh, because it's seven 'ere but it's evenin' in 'ong Kong. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Okay, so yor not concerned about Richard usin' magic? Piper: Yeah, I am, but I'm bloody well more concerned wiv Paige bein' right pissed off because we butted into 'er business again. Phoebe: Yeah, I know, but we're sisters, that's wot we're sposed ter do. Piper: Uh, back ter yor date. I don't understand, right, is Chris orbin' yer to Hong Kong? Phoebe: No, we're video conferencin'. We just open us laptops and there we are in colour. Piper: Mm-hm, in each uvver's laps. Phoebe: So do yer fink we should rabbit and pork ter Paige about Richard? Piper: We don't right know 'im. Phoebe: I know, right, we don't, init?And neever does she, that's the problem. Wot, can't I worry? Piper: From afar, right, yeah. Now, excuse me, I 'ave ter go unclog a sink. (Piper goes upstairs. Phoebe holds up her earrings and tries to decide.) [Cut to the bathroom. Piper walks in with a tool box. She looks at the clogged sink.] Piper: Well, maybe a wee magic couldn't 'urt. (She puts down the toolbox. The water in the sink bubbles and forms a face of a woman. Piper steps back.) Lass: Help me. [Cut to a lake. Piper, Phoebe and Paige orb in on the grass.] Paige: Okay, so water lady pops up from the sink. Are yer sure she's not a demon? Piper: I'm bloody well sure she needed 'elp. Phoebe: Wot else did she say? Piper: That was it. Pretty park, right, pond and poof. (The pond starts to bubble and a sword rises out of the water.) Over there. (A woman made of water, holding onto the sword, rises out of the water and floats over to land. She becomes solid and heads for the girls. A man wielding a dagger and shield and wearing a black cloak, shimmers in.) Woman: They're comin'. Take this, it does not belong ter ffem. (The man throws a dagger at the woman and stabs her. She falls and the sword flies over some trees. The girls run over to the woman. Two demons wearing black masks and carrying battle axes shimmer in. A sword materialises in the man's hand. Phoebe and Paige go over to the demons and fight them.) Paige: Axe! Honest guv! (The axe orbs into Paige's hands and she hits the demon, vanquishing him. Phoebe gets the axe of the other demon and hits him, vanquishing him too. The man approaches Piper and the woman and Piper tries to blow him up. Phoebe and Paige run over.) Phoebe: I'm bloody well likin' these odds. (The man shimmers out. They drop the battle axes.) Paige: Wuss. Woman: The sword. The chuffin' sword is... (The woman turns to water.) Phoebe: Where'd she go, isit?Wot'd she say? Piper: Uh, she said sumfink about the sword. Where is it? Paige: It's in the stone. (They look over and see the sword sticking out of a large rock.) Phoebe: The sword and the stone? Piper: Uh, yer gotta be kiddin' me. Right? [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Piper, Paige and Richard are there. The sword and the stone is sitting in the middle of the room. Piper is sweeping around it.] Piper: Okay, right, could yer maybe miss the bloody table? Paige: I'm sorry, right, I've never orbed anyfink that 'eavy before or that 'istoric. (The sword glows.) Richard: Do yer spot it glowin'? Piper: No, it's the chuffin' sun room, there's a bit of light. Paige: Wot part of this reality aintcha gettin', eh? Sword stone, lady lake? Piper: It were a pond. Richard: Do yer fink she's from Avalon? Paige: Yeah, right, I fink she were flushed out by 'ooever's after Excalibur. The bloody maker of kings. Piper: 'Ave a look, right, we're not goin' on about Camelot, right, right, mate? Because that's not real. Paige: So yor sayin' yer never believed in Kin' Arffur and the knights of the bloomin' round table? Piper: Yes, I did, wen I were seven, and then I grew up. Paige: Yeah, yer grew up ter be a witch that fights demons and silly 'ave a lookin' dragons. Piper: That's different, right, that's real. Paige: And this ain't real? Piper: Woss real are them 'ooded freaks. Richard: They're not gonna give over now that the bleedin' sword is in the open. Piper: How do yer know? Richard: 'ooever 'as Excalibur is unput the mockers onpable. (Phoebe walks in carrying the Book of Shadows.) Phoebe: Okay, there is definitely nuffink in the book. Oh, right, hi. How ya doin'? Piper: Phoebe, please, right, put a put the mockers on ter this nonsense. Phoebe: Didn't realise yer were still 'ere. Paige: That's okay, yer can rabbit and pork freely in front of 'im. Lord knows, we've been frough enough. Phoebe: No, not right. Piper: Phoebe. Richard: 'Ave a look, I should probably go. Phoebe: Don't ridiculous, yor great. Paige: Okay, any road, right, book, right, Excalibur. Phoebe: Yeah, noffin, nada. Paige: Right? Piper: Told ya. Paige: Yer know, hey, right, maybe it's been out of circulation since ye olden days, right, and maybe no 'alliwell 'as come across it before. Phoebe: Well, right, we 'ave run across these lads. Executioner demons. Low-level bad asses for 'ire. Piper: 'oo 'ired them? (Phoebe turns to a page.) Phoebe: This 'igher-level bad ass. (Piper goes over to look.) Piper: A power mad paladin of destruction. Paige: Maybe, right, yer know, maybe we should just sort of 'ang out later. Richard: Yeah, okay. Bye. Piper: Bye. (Richard heads for the front door. Paige follows.) Richard: Be careful in all of this. Paige: Always. I 'ad a right good time last night. Richard: Me too. Paige: Wot? Richard: Uh, I just don't fink yor sisters like me right much. Paige: Oh, right, that's not true. Richard: Right? Paige: Okay, maybe they're just doin' the bloody over protective sister fin'. Richard: Well, that's a good fin' because I don't want anyfink to 'appen ter yer. Paige: Don't worry. (They hug.) [Cut to the conservatory. Phoebe is watching Paige and Richard.] Piper: So 'e's an upper level demon wich means yer should be able ter make a vanquishin' potion. Phoebe: Okay. Wait, me, eh, mate? Why me? Piper: Because.., do wot guvnor! hello... I 'ave a few 'undred fings ter do 'round 'ere in addition ter raisin' a wee child. Phoebe: I know, yer 'ave so much ter do, yor me 'ero. Right. But I can't, I 'ave ter go ter work. I still don't 'ave an assistant and I'm bloody well swamped. (Phoebe heads for the door.) Piper: Phoebe. (Paige walks in.) Paige! Honest guv! Potion? Paige: Oh, I'm sorry, right, honey, right, the temp agency's already got me a new Uncle Bob. Piper: But that 'ardly compares wiv... (She points to the sword.) Paige: Come on, yer know there's a magical reason that I 'ad evry one of these Uncle Bobs and 'oo am I ter interfere wiv deswee? Piper: Okay, so yer want me ter add baby-sit the sword and mix vanquishin' potion ter my never endin' 'to do' list? Paige: 'Ave a look, sword is stuck in the stone. Yer know it, right, I know it, the bad lads know it. No bloke's gonna cop it out until Kin' Arffur pulls it out and wen that 'appens there'll be a bit of fireworks. Piper: And wen might that be? Paige: How should I know, isit?Maybe in a couple fousand years. (She starts to walk out then stops. She turns around and walks over to the sword. She grabs it and tries to pull it out. It won't budge.) Well, yer can't blame a girl for tryin'. [Scene: Cave. The Dark Knight pushes a demon against the wall and holds his sword up to his neck.] Dark Knight: Oh, but I do blame yer. The sword is now locked in stone. Yer promised me murderers, wot yer delivered were cannon fodder for witches. Demon: Them wasn't jest witches. Dark Knight: Tell me, demon, right, will yor fick loaf of bread still spout excuses wen it's cut from yor neck? Demon: Eff'n th' swo'd is wif th' Charmed Ones, it means we need a better class of execushuners, thass all, ah reckon. (The Dark Knight lowers his sword.) Dark Knight: And 'ow much more will this cost me? Demon: Th' Charmed Ones is fo'midable. Dark Knight: How much? Demon: To provide yo' wif mo'e execushuners, an' th' trainin' needed t'drown th' Charmed Ones in their own blood, cuss it all t' tarnation... The demon walks over to a round table with a large pentagon carved out of the top.) A seat at th' table. Eff'n yer goal is t'unite all evil unner th' co'rupped power of th' swo'd, yo' kin does far wo'se than haf me atchar side. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe is sitting at her desk. A woman walks in and places a manilla folder on her desk.] Woman: Responses ter last week's column. Phoebe: How'd yer cop into me email? Woman: Yor email account is maxed out, so yor fans are usin' ours. Phoebe: Oh, I tell yer, right, Elise better find me a new assistant because pretty soon she's gonnan 'ave ter ask Phoebe ter take me foot out of 'er... (The phone rings. The woman leaves. Phoebe searches for the phone under a pile of papers. She finds it and answers it.) 'ello, Phoebe 'alliwell. Oh, right, hey Laura. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. She picks up her date book.) Uh, I 'ave that dahn for... (She looks inside.) This mornin'. Oh me god, right, I missed it. I'm so sorry. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? No, o'course I can reschedule, right, absolutely, init? (Paige stands at the doorway and clears her throat.) Actually, Laura, can I call yer back wen I 'ave me butcher's hook in front of me, then, eh, squire? Okay, great, I'm bloody well so sorry. Thanks. Bye. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. (She hangs up.) 'i. Phoebe buries her head in her hands.) I fought yer 'ad a new temp Uncle Bob today. Paige: I do. Phoebe: Why aintcha there? Paige: Apparently I am. (Phoebe looks up.) Phoebe: Wot, eh, squire? Here? Paige: Yep. Phoebe: As me assistant? Paige: Well, I fink I prefer bein' called yor desk manager. Phoebe: Wait, I fought yer cop all of yor temp Uncle Bobs for divine reasons. Paige: Usually I do. Phoebe: Yeah, right, but I don't need divine 'elp. I need filin' and faxin' and desk management 'elp. Paige: I'm bloody well yor girl. I right am. We'll just, right, yer know, see if the bleedin' divine stuff sort of appears later. Usually does. Phoebe: Yeah, but I can't tell yer wot ter do. I mean, how weird is that? Paige: Well, right, it's no weirder than usual. Phoebe: Oh, I see. Paige: Just kiddin', sort of. Listen, yer cop back ter yor column, right, I will call Laura and reschedule, I will... (She picks up a bunch of messages.) 'elp... stuff. [Scene: Manor. Laundry room. Piper is there looking at the washing machine. It is making an awful noise and there are soap suds on the lid. She puts down a monkey wrench and reaches over and pulls the plug.] Piper: Perfect. (She walks into the kitchen and a pot is boiling over. She turns the stove off and wipes up the mess.) Male Voice: Eh up, lady. (Piper looks around the bench to see one of the seven dwarfs standing there.) Piper: Wotcher doin' 'ere? Dwarf: Wot am I doin' 'ere, isit?I'm copping pushed 'round, I just lost me place in line. Piper: Wot line? (The dwarf leaves the kitchen. Piper follows.) [Cut to the conservatory. Creatures of all shapes and sizes are standing in a line beside the sword and stone. A woman is trying to pull out the sword but it doesn't budge. She gives up and the next in line has a go.] Piper: Woss this? Dwarf: Natural selection. Naturally I 'ope the bleedin' sword selects me to be kin'. Finally cop a wee respect 'round 'ere. (The creatures laugh.) Piper: Yer blokes, right, yer creatures, right, wotever, right, yer can't be 'ere, yer gotta go. Ogre: We 'ave a defyin' right ter try us hand. Piper: Cor. Dwarf: Yeah. Ten feet is pretty much the bloody distance. Creature: Hammer and tack of the line, right, please. Right. Hoof it, right, sister! Oi! Piper: Chris! Struth! Chris! Right! Cop dahn 'ere. (Leo orbs in.) Where's Chris? Leo: Busy. (Leo looks around.) Woss gahn on? Piper: Busy wiv wot? Leo: Uvver charges. I'll get out me spoons. I took 'im off yor account again. Piper: Us account? Leo: Yer know wot I mean. (Leo spots the sword and stone.) 'ooa, is that wot I fink it is? Piper: No, no, it's not, okay. Now 'ave a look, right, yer gotta cop all ffese blokes out of 'ere because I can't do this right now. (Leo reaches for the sword.) Creature: Eh up, oi, hey! No cuts, mate. [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe walks out of a room.] Phoebe: Eh up. Woman: How were the staff meetin'? Phoebe: Endless. How's me new assistant workin' out? Woman: Oh, right, she put a fire under the interns, right, that's for sure. Phoebe: Right? (Phoebe heads for her office.) [Cut to Phoebe's office. Paige is sitting at the desk. Three guys are sitting in front of the desk.] Paige: Okay, 'oo can 'elp me wiv that? (They all raise their hands. She points to one.) Great. Yer got it. And wot about collatin' and cross referencin', then, eh, squire? (Two raise their hands.) Yer, and so yer would 'ave infobasin'. (Phoebe stands at the doorway.) Arright. Great, right, yer fellas 'ave yor marchin' orders, I will check back wiv yer in a couple of 'ours. (The lads cop up and leave the chuffin' room. Phoebe walks in.) Phoebe: Cor. She sees her tidy desk.) 'oo works 'ere? Paige: Yer do. 'oo rocks, isit?That would be me. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. By the end of the day we're gonnan 'ave a system in place that tracks yor column ideas, yor columns written and yor columns considered, plus a separate Royal Mile for yor questions, comments and fan mail. Phoebe: I can't believe it. Paige: Well, believe it because yer me dear, are never gonna miss anyfink again. (Paige stands up and Phoebe sits down.) Phoebe: That's right good. Paige: It is good news because yer me dear, need to concentrate. Phoebe: Yes, right, I do. Paige: Yes, right, yer do. Startin' wiv tomorrow's column. Phoebe: I already wrote tomorrow's column. Paige: Yeah, right, yer did. Phoebe: Uh, is there a problem wiv it? Paige: Well, I mean, I'm bloody well no ace but I were just finkin' about this one question. Okay, right, the girl's family wants 'er to break up wiv 'im because they fink 'e's an alcoholic and absent of any proof yor tellin' 'er ter end it. Phoebe: Well, right, yer know, not right end it, just slow it dahn a bit. Paige: Okay, but slowin' it dahn by not seein' each uvver is in affect endin' it. Phoebe: I just fink yer should keep yor mince pies open. Paige: Keep me mince pies open? Phoebe: I-I mean I fink that she should keep 'er mince pies open. Yer know wot I mean. Paige: Yeah. This column's about Richard and I, ain't it? Phoebe: No, it ain't about Richard. Don't be ridiculous. Paige: Yer 'ate 'im. I can tell and woss worse, right, he can tell. Phoebe: 'Ave a look, Paige, right, if yor sensin' anyfink from me, it's just concern, init?I'm concerned yor fallin' too fast for a lad yer barely know. But it's none of me business. Paige: Yor right. It's not any of yor business. (Leo orbs in.) Leo: Eh up, Piper needs yor 'elp now. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. A tiny fairy is trying to pull the sword out of the stone. The ogre pushes her out of the way and she flies across the room.] Ogre: Pest. (The ogre tries to pull out the sword. Phoebe, Paige and Leo orb in.) Phoebe: Oh, my. Paige: I were afraid this would 'appen. Piper: Do yer fink yer could 'ave mentioned that? Phoebe: And they won't leave? Piper: Oh, no, right, no. More show up evry minute. Paige: But no bad lads yet, right? Phoebe: Wossat stench, isit?Wossat stench? Piper: We gotta cop this fin' out of the bloody manor. Leo refuses to orb it. Leo: Eh up, the Lady of the Lake came ter the Charmed Ones for help. I'm bloody well not messin' wiv that. Piper: Oh, for god's sakes. (She gets up and 'eads for the sword and stone.) If yer will not cop rid of it, right, ffen I will. (She holds onto the sword and pulls it out of the rock. Phoebe gasps.) Creature: Yor majesty. Piper: Cor. (The creatures kneel. A man appears in the room and walks over to Piper.) Man: I bet yer didn't expect this wen yer got up this mornin'. Piper: I... (Phoebe covers her mouth in shock.) Man: The sword 'as chosen. Yor the new saviour. The champion of right good, right, the master of Excalibur. Welcome ter yor new deswee. Piper: Aw, crap. [Scene: Manor. Foyer. Phoebe is pushing the dwarf out the door.] Phoebe: Okay, let's go, right, nuffink ter see 'ere anymore, right, no more show, right, audios, right, scram. Dwarf: Yor majesty, right, straight up, if yer need anyfink, anyfink at all, right, castles built, right, whistle and flutes of armor, right? Yer name it, right, I got connections. (The dwarf zips out the door and Phoebe closes the door.) [Cut to the living room. Piper, Leo and Mordaunt are there. Piper is looking at the sword. Phoebe walks in.] Phoebe: Is it just me or does it still smell like ogre in 'ere? (Phoebe sits down. Piper sits down and places the Excalibur on the coffee table in front of her.) Piper: I'm tellin' yer lads, right, this is all just a big mistake. ((The Excalibur glows and slides closer to Piper.) Put the mockers on that. Mordaunt: It's drorn ter yer, just like yer were drorn ter it. Piper: Do I 'ave a look like I'm bloody well drorn ter it, pal? Mordaunt: Yer will be in time. Piper: No, I don't 'ave time ter play Queen Arffur. (Paige walks in carrying Wyatt.) Paige: Oh, come on, Piper, have a wee fun. Don't yer realise wot this means? (Paige hands Wyatt to Leo.) Piper: One more fin' on me ter do list? Paige: No, it means yer me dear, are the chosen one. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? The chuffin' first in centuries ter have power over the chuffin' sword. Tell 'er all about it, Merlin. Mordaunt: Oh, right, actually, the bloody name's Mordaunt. Merlin were just a fairy tale. Piper: Ha! Oi! Mordaunt: But Camelot were not. Paige: Ah 'a! Mordaunt: And thanks ter yer it can rise again. Phoebe: So wot are yer, luv? A wizard, isit?A sorcerer? Mordaunt: Actually, I'm bloody well neever. Cor blimey guv! I'm bloody well just an 'umble teacher in service of the bleedin' sword. And we must begin instruction immediately before yor enemy attacks. Paige: The chuffin' Dark Knight. Mordaunt: Yer know 'im? Phoebe: Yeah, we've already kicked 'is ass. Piper: And if 'e shows up again we 'ave a vanquishin' potion ready and waitin'. Mordaunt: Woss in it? Piper: It's a mandrake variation wiv a wee bit of griffins blood. Mordaunt: Good, if yor gahn up against a pustouous knave wich yor not. If yer want ter fight the bloomin' Dark Knight wiv magic, this is wot yer need. (A piece of parchment materialises in his hand.) Leo: I fought yer said yer weren't a sorcerer. Mordaunt: I picked up a few fings along the way. (He hands Phoebe the parchment.) The Dark Knight is no trifle. Yer 'ave ter hit 'im wiv evryfink yer 'ave. Phoebe: I've never even 'eard of 'alf of these ingredients. Leo: It 'ave a looks like yer picked up quite a bit. Wot do yer ffink? (Phoebe looks at Mordaunt.) Phoebe: Can't cop a read on 'im. Mordaunt: Distrust is expected but don't let it blind yer. If I haven't taught Piper 'ow ter master the bloomin' sword before the Dark Knight returns, yor survival depends on that potion. Phoebe: Okay, right, so where are we sposed ter get the bloody ingredients? Paige: I fink I know a place, right? Leave it ter me, yor trusty assistant. (Paige orbs out with Phoebe.) Leo: Awright, I guess I will go check wiv the bleedin' uvver Elders and spot if they know. Yer want me ter take Wyatt, eh? (Piper admires the sword.) Piper? Piper: Hm? Leo: Do yer want me ter take Wyatt wiv me? Piper: Yeah, sure. (Leo orbs out with Wyatt.) I'll be not so bad. (Piper stands up with the sword. A sword materialises in Mordaunt's hands. He attacks Piper and she screams. She blocks his hits with the Excalibur.) Mordaunt: Not bad. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Better than Arffur's first time. Piper: Right? Mordaunt: Now, I'm gonna come in low. Believe in Excalibur, just let it flow frough yer. (They sword fight some more.) [Scene: Cave. The Dark Knight and a demon are walking past masked demons making weapons.] Dark Knight: Is 'e yor best? Demon: Th' highess quality. They'll git th' job done Dark Knight: They better. If they don't, it's not me they'll have ter answer to. Demon: ah thunk yo' were the... Dark Knight: I serve a greater power. Demon: Whose? (A masked demon walks in carrying a sack over his shoulder. He clears a table and puts the sack down. The sack moves and the dwarf gets out of it.) Dwarf: Well, should've figured yer'd be after the bloody sword. Masked Demon: Tell them. Dwarf: Kiss me grubby ass. (The masked demon pulls out a dagger and holds it up to the Dwarf's throat.) Masked Demon: Tell 'im. Dwarf: Yor too late. Piper 'alliwell 'as Excalibur and she's been trained 'ow ter use it. Dark Knight: By 'oo, guv? 'oo's trainin' 'er? (The dwarf shrugs. He punches the masked demon in his groin and zips away.) Demon: Does this hyar change ennythin'? Dark Knight: It changes evryfink. [Scene: Richard's house. Phoebe, Paige and Richard walk into a room full of ingredients. Richard turns on the light.] Richard: I fink we got evryfink yer need. Plant roots, fungi, herbs, creature parts, insects... Phoebe: Creature parts? Richard: Fairy wings. Phoebe: Wait, fairy wings? Richard: Well, right, I didn't kill them if that's wotcher wonderin'. Phoebe: Then 'ow did yer cop ffem? Paige: Uh, Phoebe? Phoebe: Wot, isit?Fair question. Richard: Actually, I'm not sure. Me family's been stockpilin' this stuff for years because of the fued. Phoebe: Yeah, right, but the feud's over, right? Paige: Eh up, yer know, right, I fink we're gonna need a mortar and pestle for the potion. Do yer 'ave one? Richard: Yeah. (Richard leaves the room.) Paige: Wotcher doin'? Phoebe: Wot? Paige: Yer don't 'ave ter treat 'im like 'e's evil. Phoebe: Paige, I'm just reactin' ter wot I see. I mean, right, how many lads do yer know that stockpile gremlin ears? Paige: Okay, first yor not so subtle column, and now this. Why don't yer just come out and admit it. Yer 'ate 'im. Phoebe: Paige, I don't 'ate 'im. I'm bloody well just worried. Paige: Well, right, don't worry because I know wot I'm bloody well doin'. Phoebe: Okay, so are yer tellin' me that it don't bovver yer at all that 'e's usin' magic again, eh, mate? Or that 'e 'as this-this room hidden? Paige: Wot part of this ain't yor business ain't yer gettin'? Paige: Oh, Paige. I'm worried about yer, okay, then, eh, luv? Just like yer were worried about me wen I were datin' a demon. Paige: Richard ain't a demon. Phoebe: No, I know 'e ain't a demon, Paige, but 'e 'as a dark side and powerful magic, and that is a right dangerous combination. I-I'm bloody well worried about yer, okay, squire? I'm sorry. (Richard walks in.) Richard: Here. (He hands Paige the mortar and pestle.) Paige: Thanks. (She puts it on the table.) Richard: Evryfink right? Paige: Let's just cop this over wiv. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Mordaunt barge into the room, sword fighting. Piper knocks his sword out of his hands and pushes him against the wall.] Mordaunt: Yor a quick study. Piper: Yor a good teacher. Mordaunt: So, yer feel the chuffin' sword's power? Piper: Yes. Mordaunt: How's it feel? Piper: Not bad. Mordaunt: Yer and Excalibur are becomin' one. Soon nuffink will matter. Nuffink except the chuffin' desire ter rule. (The Dark Knight, the demon, and two masked demons shimmer into the room.) Dark Knight: Yer. Mordaunt: I were wonderin' wen yer would show up. Take 'im. (The Dark Knight attacks Piper. Mordaunt grabs his sword and the three other demons attack him.) [Scene: Richard's house. Ingredient room. Phoebe and Paige are making the potion.] Paige: Wearboar tusk, one pinch. (Phoebe puts it in the potion.) Nymph 'air, one lock. Phoebe: Oh, I 'ope this ain't from some bloke we know. (Phoebe throws the hair into the potion.) Paige: Wraiff essence, right, ffree drops. Phoebe: One, right, two, ffree. Paige: And black poppy, one level teaspoon. Phoebe: I've never even 'eard of black p... Richard: No! (Richard uses his telekinetic power on Phoebe and she slides out the door. Paige races over to her. Phoebe gets up.) Paige: Phoebe, are yer okay, then, eh, guv? (Richard grabs a pinch of poppy and moves back.) Richard? Richard: Wait, wotch, init? (He throws the poppy into the potion and it explodes.) Don't ever mix wraiff essence and black poppy. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Never. Paige: Why would Mordaunt do this? Richard: Because 'e wants yer dead. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Mordaunt are still fighting the Dark Knight and the three demons. Piper vanquishes the demon and a masked demon. The Dark Knight grabs Mordaunt.] Dark Knight: I fought we made a deal. Mordaunt: I don't need yer ter get ter the sword anymore. I've got her. (Mordaunt pushes him away. Piper stabs the masked demon and the Dark Knight and vanquishes them.) Yor assimilation is complete. Yor now one wiv Excalibur. Piper: Now wot? (Paige and Phoebe orb in. Piper turns to them.) Paige: It's just us. Phoebe: He's not wot yer fink 'e is. Paige: He tried ter kill us. Phoebe: He wants the sword. Piper: But the sword chose me. Paige: No, he's just usin' yer, he wants the power of the sword for 'imself. Phoebe: Yor not meant ter control the bloomin' sword. Piper: But I do control it. And yer don't fink I can. Mordaunt: Peraps we should leave. Phoebe: Paige, Paige, Paige. Paige: Excalibur. (She tries to orb the Excalibur but it doesn't leave Piper's hands.) Piper: Don't do that again. Mordaunt: It appears yor queen 'as spoken. (Piper and Mordaunt disappear.) Phoebe: Her majesty 'as left the buildin'. Paige: Or 'er madness. [Scene: Cave. Piper and Mordaunt are there. Piper is wearing black clothes and is standing in front of the round table.] Piper: It don't 'ave a look like much of a kingdom. Mordaunt: This is just where it begins. Where yer form yor inner circle. Piper: Let me guess. The bloody knights of the chuffin' round table? (He moves closer behind Piper.) Mordaunt: The knights of yor round table. Yor on a new paff now, right, a new deswee. Piper: That's right good because I were copping a wee bored of the old one. Mordaunt: A world of adventure oraits yer. Warfare, conquest, Camelot. Piper: And wot exactly is Camelot? (She turns around and faces him.) Mordaunt: Wotever yer want it ter be. It's yor kingdom ter make. Piper: Could yer be a wee more specific? Mordaunt: There will be no geezer above yer, no geezer ter challenge yer. Yer will 'ave free reign ter reshape the bleedin' way fings are. To create a world of yor dreams. All will bow dahn before yer. (He caresses her cheek.) All will serve yor evry desire. Piper: Includin' yer? Mordaunt: Especially me, my queen. (They kiss. Mordaunt reaches for the sword and it moves away. He moves away from Piper.) Piper: Woss it? Mordaunt: Well, we must build yor kingdom first, and ter do that we need ter fill yor round table wiv knights. Piper: Right well, I 'ave a few ideas. Mordaunt: No. Let me be yor council. I know Mae West 'oo will serve yer well. But they will not come easily. Yer must challenge them on fields of battle, init?Force them ter join yer. (Piper picks up the Excalibur.) Piper: I fink I can do that. [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Paige is scrying.] Leo: Anyfink? Paige: Nope, can't find Piper anywhere. Leo: Well, keep 'ave a lookin', she's bound ter show up somewhere. Paige: Yeah, to do wot? Phoebe: I don't understand. If she weren't sposed ter pull the sword out of the bloody stone, right, ffen why were she able to? Leo: Because accordin' ter the bloomin' uvver Elders, right, she were only meant ter pass it on ter 'oom ever it were right meant for. Phoebe: So she's not the new Kin' Arffur but she is the new Lady of the bleedin' Lake? Leo: Basically, yeah. Paige: Well, why is it turnin' 'er evil? Leo: Because only the ultimate power on earff can 'andle Excalibur. That's why the Lady stayed in the bloody lake ter insulate herself from the power of the sword. Paige: Okay, so we should find Piper and then drown 'er. (Leo gives her a look.) Oh, I'm just kiddin', right, Leo. Leo: It's no joke, it's the only way ter keep the power from consumin' 'er, right, destroyin' 'er. Phoebe: Still, wot does Mordaunt want wiv Piper, then, eh? I mean, right, he's tricky, but 'e's 'ardly the ultimate power on earff. Leo: But 'e can use Piper ter become that power. (The crystal points to a spot on the map.) Paige: Guess 'oo just surfaced. [Scene: Piper and Mordaunt are there. A demon flies through the air and hits a stack of hay. Piper walks over and points the Excalibur at the demon.] Piper: Should I kill 'im? Mordaunt: Yor the Queen. Piper: I need one more knight ter set up me round table. Care to join me? Demon: Join ya'? Which side is you on? Mordaunt: All we're interested in is the greatest power. Become one of us. Piper: Wot 'e said. Demon: Whut do ah' get out uh it? Piper: Yer, right, yer cop to live. (Phoebe and Piper orb in.) Paige: Piper. Demon: I should gots knode it wuz some trap. Jes hang loose, brud. (The demon gets up.) Piper: Yer stay put. (to the girls) Yer, I warned yer. Phoebe: Sorry, yor majesty. (Phoebe frows a potion and Piper destroys it wiv the bleedin' sword.) Paige, now, right, orb 'er. (Paige orbs out just as Piper throws the Excalibur at her. Paige orbs back in behind Piper and grabs her. Piper throws Paige over her shoulders and she lands on the ground in front of Phoebe. Piper holds out her hand and the Excalibur returns to her.) Mordaunt: Impressive, huh, isit?Now, right, make yor queen proud. (Phoebe helps Paige up. The demon throws electricity bolts at Phoebe and Paige and their bodies fall to the ground, leaving their spirits behind.) Paige: Wot just 'appened? Phoebe: I don't know, but I don't fink it's good. (Piper, Mordaunt and the demon disappear.) Paige: Leo! Right! [Scene: Cave. Three other demons are sitting around the round table. The demon appears in the forth seat.] Piper: Welcome. I assume yor all wonderin' why yer've been gathered 'ere. But don't worry, if I wanted ter kill yer I would have done so already, do wot guvnor! Yor the chosen few 'oo will 'elp chart a new world order, united under me. Mordaunt: Excuse me, right, yor majesty, right, we're copping ahead of ourselves. Piper: Are we? Mordaunt: The wee matter of the loyalty oaff. Piper: Oh, yeah, that's right, init?Uh, administer that oaff. Mordaunt: Yes, right, yor majesty. If yer will all put yor left 'and... (One demon growls.) Or clor on one of the bloomin' five points of the pentagram in front of yer. (Mordaunt sits down in the fifth seat. He puts his hand on the point and chants. The pentagram glows and the demons shake.) Supreme demonic powers, right, leave yor 'ost and find a new 'ome in this willin' 'eart. Piper: Wotcher doin', isit?Put the mockers on! The powers leave the demons and they are vanquished one by one. The powers enter Mordaunt.) Yer vanquished all me knights. Why? (The Excalibur floats into Mordaunts hand.) Mordaunt: For fillin' me centuries ole quest. To control Excalibur. Piper: But it belongs ter me. Mordaunt: No, it don't. It never did. Cor blimey guv! But thanks ter yer and the combined powers of yor knights, now it belongs ter me. I'm bloody well the ultimate power. Piper: I don't understand. Mordaunt: It's simply transferred power, that's all, right? And now all that remains ter do is ter eliminate the true recipient of Excalibur before 'e grows ole enough to fulfil 'is deswee as the son of a Charmed One. Piper: Yer can't 'urt 'im, he's protected. Mordaunt: I couldn't before, but I can wiv this. (He stabs Piper with the Excalibur.) [Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Phoebe, Paige and Leo are there. Phoebe is scrying and Paige is laying on the chair.] Paige: Ow. Leo: Feelin' any better? Paige: No, I'm bloody well pretty sure 'ow' signifies that I'm not in fact feelin' any better. (Paige sits up.) I'm gettin' tired of this 'oole soul separatin' from me body fin'. It's copping ter be a disturbin' pattern. Leo: It's pretty close too, right, yor souls were copping ready to move on. Paige: Move on ter where exactly? Leo: Nice try. Phoebe: I can not believe, Piper. Did yer spot that 'ave a look in 'er mince pies? Paige: Eh up, at least it 'ave a looked like she were 'avin' fun for once. Leo: Find 'er yet? Phoebe: No, right, nuffink. Leo: Arright, keep tryin'. Just like last time, right, they can't do anyfink until they resurface. Paige: Yeah, right, unless Mordaunt wants 'er ter help 'im rule the underworld. Phoebe: There's gotta be anuvver way ter get 'er out of this. Paige: I just wish we knew 'oo Kin' Arffur is. Phoebe: Wait, wotcher mean? Paige: I mean, if we need ter separate Piper from the sword, wot better way than ter figure out 'oo she's meant ter give it to. (Wyatt gurgles from the playpen.) No. Phoebe: It's Wyatt, oh me god, it 'as ter be. (Leo groans in pain.) Woss the bloomin' matter? Leo: It's Piper, she's 'urt. (The crystal points to a spot on the map.) Phoebe: Hardin' Park, let's go. Paige: I got Wyatt. (Phoebe orbs out with Leo.) [Cut to Harding Park. Piper and Mordaunt are there. He lowers Piper to the ground.] Mordaunt: Don't worry, it'll all be over. Once they come for yer, I'll go for 'im. (Phoebe and Leo orb in. Mordaunt disappears.) Phoebe: Hurry, hurry. (Leo runs over to Piper and heals her. She gasps.) Piper: Where's Wyatt? [Cut to the manor. Conservatory. Mordaunt walks up to the playpen holding the Excalibur.] Mordaunt: Me apologies, Kin' Wyatt. I guess it just weren't meant to be. (Mordaunt stabs the lumpy blanket bundle in the playpen. He lifts up the bundle and it's a teddy bear wrapped in a blanket.) Wot! (Paige orbs in holding Wyatt.) Paige: Ohh, right, and that's 'is favourite teddy bear. (Piper, Phoebe and Leo orb in. Piper takes Wyatt from Paige.) Piper: Bet yer didn't expect this wen yer got up this mornin'. Mordaunt: But I still got Excalibur. Phoebe: Not for long. Leo: Go for it, right, Wyatt. (Wyatt orbs out the Excalibur and it orbs back in, hovering in front of Wyatt. Wyatt points and the Excalibur flies across the room and stabs Mordaunt. Mordaunt explodes and is vanquished. The sword drops to the floor.) Piper: Okay, sweetie, that's right, right good. But we need to put this oray, right, so yer don't put an eye out, init?(She walks over to Excalibur and picks it up.) At least until yor eighteen. (Piper walks over to the stone and pushes the Excalibur into it.) Paige: How are yer? Piper: Oh, fine, do wot guvnor! Do yer fink yer could orb this into the attic? Paige: Absolutely. (The sword and stone orb out.) Piper: Away from any furniture? (They hear a crash from upstairs.0 Paige: Sorry. Piper: Don't worry, I'll just add it ter my list. (They all laugh.) [Scene: The Bay Mirror. Phoebe's office. Phoebe is there typing on her computer. Paige stands at the door.] Paige: Eh up. I just finished the last of the bleedin' filin'. Phoebe: Great, thanks. Paige: Is that, right, uh, tomorrow's copy? Phoebe: Uh, right, yeah, I'm just doin' some last minute changes. This lass right 'ere is worried that 'er muvver might be marryin' the wrong lad. Paige: Right? Phoebe: Yeah, she finks 'e might be the bloody git incarnate. Paige: Didn't we vanquish the poof incarnate? Phoebe: I told yer that unless she 'as absolute proof, she should probably but out and let 'er sister live 'er own life. Paige: I fought this were about 'er muvver? Phoebe: Yeah, right, well, yer know wot I mean. Paige: Yeah, right, I fink I do. It's funny, this is the first Uncle Bob I've gotten wivout a magical reason behind it. Phoebe: Well, there may not 'ave been a magical reason, but there's definitely a reason. I just 'ave ter learn ter take me own advice. Paige: Yeah, well, right, don't start worryin' about me too much. Phoebe: Okay. (Richard walks in.) Richard: Eh up. Sorry ter interrupt. Yer ready ter go? Paige: Yeah, um, we're gahn out. Do yer wanna join? Phoebe: I would luv to, right, actually, right, but, right, uh, I'm bloody well gonna take a rain check. It's been a long day. Paige: Okay, right good night. (Paige and Richard start to leave.) Phoebe: Eh up, Paige. Yor fired. Paige: Actually, I quit. [Scene: Manor. Attic. Piper and Wyatt are there looking at the sword and stone.] Piper: Listen, I want yer ter promise me before we take that bugger out of storage, that yor gonna play a bit of footie and baseball and 'ave a bit of normal toys, and maybe we can cop a dog. Cor blimey guv! (Leo walks in.) Wotcher ffink? Leo: How are we doin'? Piper: Uh, his 'ighness seems content. Leo: Wot about yer? Piper: I'm doin' right. At least I 'ave me priorities straight now. I'll get out me spoons. I were so busy doin' stuff and all I right wanted to do were 'ang out wiv 'im. Leo: Well, yer should 'ave more time for that now. I fixed the chuffin' washer. Piper: Yer did? Leo: And the sink, right, and the bleedin' cable, right, and the bloody toilet. Piper: Cor, right, I forgot 'ow 'andy yer were ter have 'round the house. Leo: Pretty strange, huh? Piper: Sort of scary, actually. Leo: Why? Piper: Well, we've seen wot 'e can do wivout the bleedin' sword, I can't begin ter imagine wot 'e could do wiv it. Leo: Well, wotever it is, right, it's meant ter be. Piper: It don't make it any less scary, ffough. But that's tomorrow's problem. I'll worry about it then. Okey-dokey. (They leave the room. The sword glimmers.) |
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