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Chad: Give it up for Smash North and South! Right! Let's 'ere it, come on! Right! 'angin' Chad comin' hammer and tack live at the KQSF annual Beach Bash. Windin' it up wiv us special guest, the chuffin' stunningly, beautiful, Phoebe Halliwell, the Ask Phoebe fame. Okay, so woss yor deal, then? Are yer psychic, is that it?

Phoebe: I'm sorry?

Chad: I mean, right, yer gotta be don't yer, eh? Yor column 'as sky rocketed, all the bloody critics rave about 'ow amazingly insightful yor advice is. How else do yer explain it?

Phoebe: I just fink I read blokes right well.

Chad: Oh, yer do, do yer, isit?Can yer read me?

(The chuffin' crowd cheers.)

Phoebe: I don't know, right, write a letter and we'll see.

Chad: Come on, give it a shot.

Crowd: Yeah! Struth!

Chad: Yer lads wanna spot her do it, dontcha?

Crowd: Yeah! Right! (They applaud.)

Phoebe: Oh, right, awright. Ah, right, wotcher want advice on?

Chad: Okay, let's see. There's this tart that I like and I'd like ter ask 'er out but I'm bloody well afraid she'll say no. Wot should I do?

(Phoebe 'ave a looks at Chad and finks.)

Phoebe: Well, why don't yer just ask me and find out?

(Phoebe laughs. The crowd applauses.)

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Chris is standin' hammer and tack from the Butcher's hook of Shadows' stand. He is chewin' on a pen as 'e flips the chuffin' pages wiv telekinetic powers. He puts the mockers on at a page that reads Trok Demon and walks closer to the Butcher's hook of Shadows. He takes the bleedin' pen out of 'is North and South and writes sumfink dahn on a notepad. Suddenly, right, a portal opens up in the attic and Mist, a Valkyrie walks out of it.]

Chris: Eh up, are yer out of yor mind, isit?Wotcher doin' 'ere?

Mist: Freyja sent me. She wants ter know woss takin' so long.

Chris: Freyja? Yer know, right, for a meffical character she sure does worry a bit.

Mist: She's not the only one 'oo's worried. He's an Elder, Chris. How much longer do yer right expect us ter keep 'im?

Chris: Don't tell me 'e's complainin'.

Mist: Yes, a bit, actually.

Chris: I don't believe it. Banish the bleedin' lad ter an island filled wiv beautiful tarts and 'e still complains. I can't win.

Mist: How much longer?

Chris: Until I'm ready. 'Ave a look, right, I'm bloody well sorry but I 'aven't finished wot I came here ter do yet. And I need Leo out of the way until I can. More importantly, the bloomin' sisters can't find 'im before I'm ready or else...

Mist: I know. We all understand the risks.

Chris: I'd never 'urt yer, Mist. (He moves closer ter her.) Yer know that.

Mist: Yer would if yer 'ad to. I know that too.

Piper: (from dahn the apples and pears) Chris, right, are yer up there?

Chris: Yer better go.

(They kiss.)

Mist: Please... (the portal opens) 'urry.

(Mist walks into the portal and it closes. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Piper walks in carryin' a basket of laundry.)

Piper: Eh up, do yer 'ave any laundry?

Chris: Ahh... (He seems distracted.) No. No. I'm good, thanks. I'm bloody well gonna get yor sisters fough. Yer 'ave anuvver demon ter vanquish.

Piper: Okey-dokey.

(She leaves the room.)

[Scene: On the beach. Chad is pourin' some juice into a cup at the refreshment table. Phoebe walks up ter him.]

Phoebe: Oi. I'm bloody well sorry if I embarrassed yer hammer and tack there.

Chad: Eh up, I'm bloody well just glad it were only on the bloody radio.

Phoebe: I don't know why I answered like that. It were...

Chad: Dead on, right, that's wot it were, init?It's exactly wot I were feelin'. Nervous about askin' yer out.

Phoebe: Right? Yer were? Well, ffen maybe I should ask yer out and just take the pressure off. Oh! Right! (laughs) I just don't know woss the matter wiv me, right? It's gotta be the heat or sumfink.

(Chris orbs in behind a van near by.)

Chad: Bayview Cafe, right, say 1:00?

Phoebe: I'll be there.

(Chris comes out from behind the van and walks towards Phoebe.)

Chris: Phoebe.

Phoebe: Chris, wotcher doin' 'ere?

Chad: Um, listen, I gotta cop back. Don't be late.

Phoebe: I won't be.

(Chad walks oray. Phoebe raises 'er eyebrows at Chris.)

Chris: Trok Demon, remember?

Phoebe: Oh, Chris, right, get a life.

Chris: Come on.

Phoebe: Uff.

[Scene: Neighbourhood. Paige is runnin' dahn the bleedin' sidewalk 'oldin' onto five dog leads, init?She is 'avin' Barney Rubble controllin' the dogs.]

Paige: Put the mockers on! Right! Put the mockers on! Struth! Please, then, squire? (She lets go of the leads and the chuffin' dogs run dahn the sidewalk.) Sit! 'eal! Right! (She 'ave a looks 'round and then orbs out. She orbs hammer and tack in in front of the bleedin' dogs.) Put the mockers on! Honest guv! (The bloody dogs put the mockers on.) I gotta cop a real Uncle Bob.

(She picks up the leads. Chris orbs in behind 'er.)

Chris: Trok Demon.

Paige: Wot now, then, eh, squire? Can't yer spot I'm bloody well workin'?

(A bulldog starts 'umpin' Paige's leg.)

[Cut ter ffe manor. Right. Phoebe's there. Chris and Paige orb in wiv the five dogs.]

Phoebe: Right, can we cop this started because I 'ave ter go... (She notices the dogs.) Where did they come from?

Paige: He wouldn't let me take them hammer and tack first.

Phoebe: Back?

Paige: Yeah, I'm bloody well a... Cor blimey guv! dog walker. The bloody temp agency messed up.

Chris: Okay, do yer lads mind, eh, mate? We 'ave ter summon the bloody Trok Demon wile 'e's still on us plane. Piper! Struth!

Phoebe: Oh, Chris, right, lighten up. Sendin' us after all these demons is copping to be a real drag.

Paige: Yeah, yor workin' us like dogs.

Chris: I don't spot Piper complainin'.

Phoebe: No, because Piper don't complain about anyfink anymore. Ever since Leo left ter become an Elder, all she does is ball of chalk 'round the house all... chipper.

Chris: So?

Paige: So, it's unusual. Cor blimey guv! Woss worse, it's not Piper.

(Piper walks dahn the apples and pears carryin' Wyatt, do wot guvnor! She's on the bloomin' dog and bone.)

Piper: I'd luv ter have a play date. Maybe we could call Jenny and she can brin' baby Josie. And then I'll brin' the juice and maybe bake some muffins and.., right? (She spots the dogs.) Aww, right, how cute! Struth!

(She walks into the bloody kitchen.)

Phoebe: She's gettin' worse.

Paige: Definitely.

Phoebe: (to Chris) Do yer 'ave a spell?

Chris: Right out of the bloody book. Right. (He 'ands 'er a piece of paper.) After yer summon 'im, right, make sure Piper freezes 'im. Uvverwise yer'll never get the spell off.

Paige: Here, take these lads ter the bleedin' attic, right, they'll be not so bad there.

Chris: Wait, me?

Paige: Yeah, yer. Go.

(She 'ands Chris the leads and the bleedin' dogs pull 'im up the apples and pears. Piper walks in all cheery. She's wearin' an apron.)

Piper: Awrighty, are we ready?

Paige: Righty.

Piper: Phoebe, have I told yer 'ow much I luv yor new 'do. It's fabulous.

Phoebe: Right chipper. Okay, let's do this. Yer take this. (Phoebe 'ands Paige the chuffin' spell. Piper grins. Phoebe closes 'er mince pies and concentrates. Suddenly, right, a two-headed demon wiv one eye on each loaf of bread appears.) Piper, freeze 'im. (Piper blows off one of 'is 'eads. He wimpers. Piper giggles.) Wot did yer do that for?

Piper: I don't know, I didn't mean to.

(The bleedin' Trok Demon roars and sends the chuffin' girls flyin' across the room. They land on the bloomin' floor, do wot guvnor! Phoebe grabs the chuffin' spell.)

Phoebe: "From uvver worlds far and near, let's cop him the Trok, out of here." (The bloomin' Trok Demon bursts into flames and is vanquished. Piper smiles.) Is evry bloke okay?

Piper: Yeah, that were oresome.

(Phoebe rolls her mince pies.)

Openin' Credits

[Scene: Manor. Livin' room. Paige walks in wiv 'er 'and against 'er shoulder. Chris follows 'er in.]

Paige: Wot sort of Witelighter can't 'eal?

Chris: For the bleedin' record, yer can't 'eal eever.

Paige: I'm bloody well 'alf-witelighter. How come yer didn't tell us about this before we 'ired yer?

Chris: Because yer didn't 'ire me. I were assigned by the Elders.

(Phoebe walks in carryin' a tube of cream.)

Phoebe: Any uvver wee surprises yer would like the share wiv us?

Chris: No. (Phoebe sits dahn beside Paige.) 'Ave a look, I 'aven't been a Witelighter right long, okay, isit?And 'ealin', right, it's big, and takes a wee wile ter learn 'ow ter do.

(Phoebe dabs some cream on Paige's shoulder.)

Phoebe: Great. Student-lighter.

Paige: Okay, yer could've told us about this like, right, I don't know, maybe a monff ago.

Phoebe: Well, I know one fin' for sure, we're gonna put the mockers on all this demon fightin' for a wile.

Chris: Wait, right, why?

Piper's Voice: Can some fairy please fold the towels in the bloody dryer wen it's done?

Phoebe: That's why.

(Piper walks in carryin' Wyatt and 'er purse.)

Piper: I put a casserole in the oven, yer can check it in about an 'our or so. I'll get out me spoons. I will be at the bleedin' club if yer need me. Have fun!

(Piper leaves.)

Phoebe: Oh me god, she is so sad.

Paige: Sad, eh, guv? Where are yer copping sad from?

Chris: How about this. Free more demons, ffen we can rabbit and pork about takin' a wee break.

Paige: Wot, right, do yer 'ave a quota or sumfink?

Chris: 'Ave a look, right, I've already told yer this before. I know from future knowledge that a demon is gonna come after Wyatt. These are all pre-empted strikes.

Phoebe: Okay, right, 'ave a look, Chris, we like yer a bit. But we 'ave been doin' this a bit longer than yer 'ave. Trust me, yer 'ave ter pace yorself and yer gotta let us 'ave a life. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? (She 'ave a looks at 'er wotch.) Ooh, speakin' of wich, right, I 'ave ter go cop ready for me lunch date.

(She stands up.)

Paige: Oh, right, I didn't know yor boss were hammer and tack in tahn.

Phoebe: No, right, it's not wiv Jason, it's wiv Chad, the DJ, right, 'oo I'm bloody well not right interested in.

Chris: Two demons, right, how about that, isit?Two.

Phoebe: No, Chris. And especially not until we figure out woss wrong wiv Piper, right, and more importantly Piper's powers.

Paige: I swear, right, I fink Leo did sumfink ter her before 'e left.

Phoebe: Yer know wot, isit?I fink it's about time we orb 'im dahn here and ask 'im.

Chris: I don't fink that's possible.

Phoebe: Well, ffen make it possible. I'll get out me spoons. 'Ave a look, even if 'e don't care about Piper as 'is ole lady, as an Elder 'e at the right least should care about wot 'appened ter her powers.

Chris: I can't.

Paige: Yeah, yer can. Yer just go up there and tell 'im ter get his butt dahn 'ere.

Chris: That's not why I can't. 'Ave a look, I didn't wanna tell yer this because I didn't want ter worry yer two but... Leo's missin'.

Phoebe: Wot?

Paige: Missin', then, eh, guv? How long?

Chris: Since the bloomin' last time yer seen him. Any road, so the bloomin' Elders ffink 'e's been kidnapped.

Phoebe: By 'oom?

[Scene: A war zone. An 'elicopter flies past. Soldiers pull wounded men onto a jeep. It drives oray. One soldier runs towards a burnin' jeep and gets shot multiple times. He falls ter the bloomin' ground. He lifts 'is loaf of bread to spot a portal open up in front of 'im. Mist walks out of the portal.]

Soldier: Wot the...

Mist: Shhh. It's arright. Yer don't 'ave ter be afraid. Yor one of the chosen few. (The chuffin' soldier dies and 'is spirit rises out of 'is body. The spirit stands up and 'ave a looks at 'imself, confused.) Don't worry, I promise yer'll understand soon enough.

(She removes the lid off a wee bottle and the bloomin' spirit is sucked into it. She puts the lid hammer and tack on and steps hammer and tack into the portal.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: P3. There are toddlers there messing wiv toys. Piper walks over to the bar wiv Darryl and Sheila followin' 'er.]

Sheila: Yor amazin', Piper.

Piper: Sorry?

Sheila: I mean, straight up, I don't know 'ow yer do it. I mean, I could barely take care of meself wen wee Darryl were a baby, let alone run a day care.

Piper: Well, right, yer know, no bloke were usin' the bleedin' club durin' the day any road and I were runnin' out of room at 'ome wiv all of Wyatt's play dates.

Sheila: Well, I fink it's great, right. I mean, especially wiv evryfink yor gahn frough.

(Darryl and Sheila 'ave a look at each uvver.)

Piper: Wot?

Darryl: Sheila's just been a wee concerned about yer lately. Yer know, wiv Leo and all.

Sheila: I can't even imagine 'ow 'ard it must be for yer. Do yer ever even rabbit and pork ter him?

Piper: Oh, no, it's probably against the chuffin' rules. But, yer know, no use cryin' over spilt milk, and besides, right, yer know, I've just got ter push ahead for Wyatt. Right. Well, better cop ffese treats ter ffe wee ones. (She picks up a tray of snacks.) Um, is Darryl junior stayin' late?

Darryl: Yeah.

Sheila: Uh, yeah, right, yeah.

Piper: Super. (Piper walks over ter the toddlers.) 'ey, lads.

Darryl: I gotta cop back ter the station.

(Phoebe and Paige ball of chalk in.)

Phoebe: Oi, lads.

Sheila: Eh up.

Darryl: Oi.

(Phoebe 'ave a looks at Sheila.)

Phoebe: 'ooa. Woss the bleedin' matter?

Sheila: Sorry?

Phoebe: Sumfink's bovverin' yer, I can tell.

Paige: Phoebe?

Phoebe: Wot, eh? Oh, sorry.

Darryl: So, Piper's doin' not so bad, huh?

Phoebe: Yeah, but yer don't fink she is.

Paige: Don't mind 'er she's just bein' a wee annoyin'. Um, would yer excuse us for a second?

Sheila: Yeah, right, sure.

Darryl: Yeah.

Sheila: Spot yer later.

(Darryl and Sheila leave.)

Paige: Woss gahn on wiv yer?

Phoebe: I don't know, it's weird. Lately I've just been feelin' a bit of weird vibes, I don't know wot it is.

Paige: Vibes, eh? Check it out, right, I can right, right, right only deal wiv one wacked out sister at a time.

Phoebe: Huh, got it.

Paige: Piper, then? (They ball of chalk over ter Piper.) Piper, yer got a minute?

Piper: Uh, can't it wait?

Phoebe: No, right, actually, it can't. It's about Leo.

Piper: Oh, did 'e call?

Paige: Not exactly.

Phoebe: There's no easy way ter break this ter yer so I'm just gonna come out and say it. Leo's missin'. We just found out that the bloomin' Elders 'aven't 'eard from 'im since 'e left us ter join ffem.

Piper: Cor.

Phoebe: So did 'e 'appen ter say anyfink ter yer the last time yer seen him that could potentially 'elp?

Piper: No. All I remember 'im sayin' is that 'e were leavin' to become an Elder and I wished 'im right good luck.

Phoebe: That's it, then, eh? That were yor big goodbye?

Piper: Yeah, right, as far as I can remember. But I wouldn't worry about it too much, he'll turn up sooner or later. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Excuse me.

(Piper turns hammer and tack to the chuffin' babies.)

Paige: So much for that shockin' 'er hammer and tack into reality, huh?

Phoebe: Unfortunately, I fink only Leo can do that.

[Scene: An island in the middle of the Indian Ocean. A beautiful rainforest. Mist walks dahn a paff into a clearin'. Men are there trainin' ter fight. Some are makin' weapons. Mist walks past a Valkyrie Trainer.]

Valkyrie Trainer: Greetings, right, Mist. (One of the chuffin' men trainin' flips in mid-air. He falls on 'is butt. The Valkyrie Trainer 'elps 'im up.) Yer under rotated. Now wotch.

(She flips in mid-air and lands on 'er feet.)

[Cut to Mist. I'll get out me spoons. She is walkin' frough the bloody rainforest. Two uvver Valkyries, right, Freyja and Kara wander out of the shrubs. Freyja, the head Valkyrie, kisses Mist on each cheek.]

Freyja: Yer were gone a wile, Mist. I were beginnin' ter worry.

Mist: I wanted yer ter be pleased.

(Mist opens the wee bottle a releases the soldiers spirit.)

Kara: Cute, init?But can 'e fight?

Mist: Like no uvver.

Freyja: We'll see.

Soldier: Am I in 'eaven?

Freyja: Warrior 'eaven. Until I spot how well yer go against our champion, any road.

(She blows on the bloomin' soldier and 'e becomes corporeal.)

[Cut to a cave. A large cage is there. The soldier is frown into it. A Valkyrie waves 'er 'and and it locks. Six Valkyries includin' Freyja and Mist sit across the room, wotchin'.]

Soldier: Wotcher want from me?

Freyja: We want yer ter fight.

(A man wearin' levver armor, right, a metal 'elmet and wieldin' a sword and shield walks into the bleedin' cage. I'll get out me spoons. He kicks up a shield and the soldier cotches it. The chuffin' two men fight. The bloody man slashes the soldier across 'is stomach and 'e falls ter the bleedin' ground.)

Freyja: He fought well enough. Heal 'im, get 'im into trainin'.

(They all stand up. One Valkyrie opens the cage and grabs the soldier.)

Valkyrie: Come.

Man: Wot about me?

(The man tears off 'is 'elmet. It's Leo.)

Leo: I don't belong 'ere and yer know it! Honest guv!

Freyja: No, then, squire? Yor an Elder ain't yer, isit?Yer 'ave much ter teach my warriors.

(Leo 'ave a looks 'round at the cage.)

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Conservatory. Cor blimey guv! Chris is 'ave a lookin' out the bloody window. Paige is scryin' for Leo on free maps - a map of San Francisco, right, ffe world, and the solar system. Phoebe walks in.]

Phoebe: Where exactly are yer tryin' ter find Leo, isit?Jupiter?

Paige: Well, wen an Elder gets kidnapped, right, they're probably not gonna just take 'im ter Chinatahn, right, right, squire? I fink evryfink is game, right, even the cosmos.

Phoebe: Still, I don't spot how the bloomin' crystal's gonna find 'im. Especially not wivout sumfink of 'is ter focus it better.

(Paige picks up one of Leo's shirts.)

Paige: I've got one of 'is plaid shirts.

Phoebe: I were finkin' sumfink a wee more special than that.

Paige: Leo luvd them shirts, right? His entire closet's full of ffem.

(Phoebe suddenly turns ter Chris.)

Phoebe: Woss yor problem?

(He 'ave a looks 'round.)

Chris: Huh?

Phoebe: Yor nervous, right, I can feel it.

Paige: Hm, right, wotch yor vibes.

(Phoebe walks over ter Chris.)

Chris: I just fink yer lads should be focusin' on 'elpin' Piper, right, not Leo.

Phoebe: Ha, I were right.

Paige: Eh up, findin' Leo could 'elp us wiv Piper.

Chris: Well, right, ffen yer better find anuvver way because yer are not gonna find 'im. (There's silence.) I mean, yer 'aven't found him yet 'ave yer, then, guv? I'm tellin' yer, yer've just got ter leave it up to the Elders, right, isit?Just let it go.

Paige: Let it go, isit?He's Wyatt's favver.

Phoebe: And us bruvver-in-lor.

Chris: Ex-bruvver-in-lor. 'Ave a look, I'm just tryin' ter get yer two to focus on yor sister 'ere. That's all. I'll get out me spoons. Because wiv 'er powers messed up, yer lads are all at risk.

Paige: He's right.

Phoebe: I know. But if Leo did do sumfink ter block Piper's pain, right, how do we unblock it wivout 'im?

(Paige gets an idea.)

Paige: A magical laxative.

Phoebe: Okay, right, eww.

Paige: But fink about it. If we can write a spell ter help 'er remember 'er pain, I don't know, it could even 'elp us find Leo. (Phoebe picks up the dog and bone and dials a number.) 'oo are yer callin', eh, squire? Spells-R-Us?

Phoebe: No, I'm bloody well callin' the Bayview Cafe. I'm bloody well gonna cancel me lunch date wiv Chad, wich I'm already late for.

Voice on Phone: Bayview Cafe.

Phoebe: Oi, can I speak ter Chad Carson please? I were sposed to meet 'im for...

Voice on Phone: Yes, right, he couldn't make it.

Phoebe: Wot?

Voice on Phone: He called and 'e cancelled.

Phoebe: He cancelled?

Voice on Phone: Yes.

Phoebe: Wait, are yer sure, eh? 'Cause 'e didn't even call...

Voice on Phone: He told us ter let yer know that 'e's right sorry.

(Phoebe hangs up.)

Phoebe: Huh! Struth! 'e stood me up.

Chris: Wait, weren't yer just callin' ter cancel on 'im?

Phoebe: Yeah, but I called 'im. That's cancellin'. He called the restaurant. Right. That's standin' up.

(Paige nods in agreement.)

Chris: Oh.

Phoebe: This don't make any sense, I don't understand. He liked me, he right liked me, I felt it.

Paige: Well, right, um, right, excuse me, it didn't seem like yor 'eart were in it any road. (Phoebe puts dahn the dog and bone and 'eads for the door.) Where are yer gahn, eh? We 'ave a spell ter write.

Phoebe: And I 'ave a DJ ter grill.

[Scene: On the beach. Right. KQSF Beach Bash. A man is cookin' sausages on a barbeque. He places a sausage on Chad's 'ot dog bun.]

Cook: Here yer go, Chad.

Chad: Thanks, Billy.

(Phoebe walks up ter Chad.)

Phoebe: Eh up, I 'ear they 'ave 'otdogs at the bloomin' Bayview Cafe.

Chad: Phoebe, wotcher doin' 'ere?

Phoebe: That's funny, right, I were about ter ask yer the same fin'.

Chad: Listen, I can explain.

Phoebe: That's good, because that's why I'm 'ere. I were just hopin' yer could 'elp me understand sumfink that's baffled tarts since the beginnin' of time. Why don't men call after they ask us out? And why do they cancel at the bleedin' last minute and even worse, stand us up.

Chad: 'Ave a look, right, I'm sorry, but I 'ad sumfink right important come up.

(Phoebe gets a vibe.)

Phoebe: Are yer intimidated by me?

Chad: Wot?

Phoebe: Because yer weren't intimidated by me wen yer asked me out.

Chad: Hold on, right, yer asked me out, right, remember?

Phoebe: Oh, right, wait, are yer sayin' that yer didn't want me fough? Because I know yer did, right, I felt it.

Chad: 'ooa, wait a minute.

(Phoebe gets anuvver vibe.)

Phoebe: Yer don't like successful cows.

Chad: I gotta go.

Phoebe: Wait, right, are yer tellin' me that evryfink I've worked so hard for in me life, evryfink I've fought ter achieve makes me less attractive ter men, eh? Because if that's wotcher sayin' I just... (A wee girl falls off 'er bike near by and scraps 'er knee, do wot guvnor! She starts ter cry. Her muvver tries ter calm 'er.) Just hurts. It 'urts so much.

Wee Girl: It 'urts so much, mummy! Honest guv!

Chad: Don't yer fink yor overreactin' just a wee?

Phoebe: No I don't! Honest guv! (She calms dahn.) Actually, yeah, I do.

Wee Girl: It 'urts so much, mummy! Struth!

(Phoebe 'ave a looks at the wee girl and realises sumfink.)

[Scene: Manor. Attic. Paige is on the dog and bone. The bloomin' bulldog starts 'umpin' her leg.]

Paige: Sir, wot does it matter wen I brin' the dogs 'ome? Their owners ain't there, that's why I got the bleedin' Uncle Bob in the bleedin' first place. (to the bulldog) Why don't yer go 'ump a dog. Did yer ever ffink of that, eh, mate? (on the bleedin' phone) No, right, not yer, sir, do wot guvnor! (The uvver dogs tear up the attic, right, pullin' fings apart and jumpin' on tables.) 'Ave a look, yer know, right, wen I came ter the agency, I right went wiv the idea that I would be 'elpin', yer know, blokes, not animals. And wot I right mean ter say is that it's, sir, it is time for me to strike out on me own. Yeah, I'll 'ave the bloomin' dogs hammer and tack in an 'our.

(She hangs up.)

Chris: (from dahn the apples and pears) Piper's 'ome! Oi!

Paige: Comin'! Oi!

[Cut to dahn the apples and pears. Chris is carryin' a baby in a bassinet. Paige comes dahn the apples and pears.]

Paige: Eh up, 'oo's that?

Chris: Ask 'er.

(Chris walks into the chuffin' conservatory. Piper walks into the chuffin' hallway.)

Piper: Oi, 'ow's it gahn?

Paige: How's it gahn, luv? Uh, wotcher doin', then, eh, guv? (Piper picks up anuvver baby in a bassinet.) 'oo's babies are these?

Piper: Well, right, ffeir mummies couldn't pick them up in time so I offered ter brin' them 'ome for a wile.

Paige: Oh, yer did, then, eh? Um, right, wot about, right, yer know, right, Leo?

Piper: I don't know, right, wot about 'im, isit?(They ball of chalk into the conservatory where Wyatt and the uvver baby is in a playpen.) 'Ave a look, Wyatt, 'ave a look 'oo's 'ere. Anuvver mate for yer ter play wiv.

(Chris notices Paige 'oldin' onto a piece of paper.)

Chris: Is that the bloody memory spell?

Paige: Yeah.

(Piper puts the second baby in the chuffin' playpen.)

Piper: And she can stay as long as she likes.

Chris: Cast it.

Paige: "Powers and emotions tide, a witch's 'eart is where it 'ides, help 'er frough 'er agony, bless 'er wiv 'er memory." (A wite mist rises out of Piper. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? She stands up.) Piper, isit?Are yer okay?

(She turns 'round.)

Piper: I'm bloody well sorry, right, do I know yer?

(Paige laughs.)

Paige: Right funny.

(Piper 'ave a looks at Wyatt.)

Piper: Aww, cute. Yors?

Paige: No, yors.

Piper: Mine, eh, mate? Wotcher mean, mate? Wait, right, 'oo am I, guv? Wot am I doin' here?

Chris: Great, right, Paige, right, yer didn't restore 'er memory, yer erased it.

Paige: That's impossible, it's a good spell, I know it. Unless it interacted badly wiv Leo's magic.

(A fly buzzes 'round Piper and she waves 'er arm 'round. She accidentally blows up a window. She gasps and the bloody babies cry.)

Piper: Wot 'appened, isit?How did that 'appen?

Paige: Uh, it's okay, right, yor gonna be okay.

Chris: Just don't point at anyfink, okay? Just keep yor 'ands dahn. Like this, okay?

Piper: Can some fairy please tell me woss gahn on.

Paige: We're gonna tell yer that. Right. Just soon as we know ourselves. Right. (Paige takes Piper into the livin' room.) Okay, right, yer come in 'ere and yer 'ave a seat and, right, uh, take a Old Kent Road off. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? And, um, keep them arms dahn. (She walks hammer and tack into the chuffin' conservatory.) Oh me right goodness. Okay, right, don't freak out because magic got us into this and magic'll cop us out. (Wyatt cries loudly. Paige 'ave a looks over at 'im. Suddenly, right, the baby's pacifier orbs out of 'er North and South and orbs into Wyatt's North and South.) Did yer spot that?

Chris: Spot wot?

Paige: Wyatt. Right. He orbed 'is pacifier.

Chris: Wot?

Paige: I fink I know 'ow ter find Leo.

Chris: Leo, squire? Will yer please forget about Leo.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Right. Livin' room. Piper is there. Phoebe rushes in all excited. Piper jumps up.]

Phoebe: Piper! Right! 'i! Struth! Yor never gonna believe this. I fink I have a new power. It would certainly explain a bit of me weird behaviour lately like why I wanted ter date Chad, why me advice has been so amazingly accurate. I know, this is 'uge, right? Huge. So woss me new power yer ask, then? Well, I'll tell yer. Um, do yer remember that empaff we 'elped a couple of years ago, isit?That lad that could feel wot uvver blokes were feelin'?

(Chris walks in.)

Chris: Uh, Phoebe...

Phoebe: Just a sec. I fink that's wot I'm now, right? An empaff. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. I am an empaff. That's me new power. Or at least an advancement of my premonition power, I don't know.

Chris: Neever does she, I'm afraid. No that is, anyfink. Paige erased 'er memory.

Piper: Can yer blow fings up to?

(Phoebe laughs.)

Phoebe: Oh, boy. Paige! Oi! (She and Chris go into the conservatory where Paige is 'oldin' onto Wyatt wile scryin'.) Wot did yer do to us sister, eh, guv? Oh, right, yer poor dear. Yer feel orful about it, right, don't yer, eh? I'm bloody well so sorry.

Paige: Thanks, I fink.

Chris: That's it, eh, luv? That's all the ass kickin' yor gonna go out, then, eh? Yor sposed ter be sisters.

Phoebe: She's clearly devastated about this.

Chris: But yer can't let 'er off the hook. Yer need enough guilt ter get 'er ter fix it.

(The crystal points ter the Indian Ocean on the map.)

Paige: I fink I just fixed it. I fink we just found Leo.

Phoebe: We?

(Paige stands up.)

Paige: Yep, Wyatt and me. I mean, nuffink's more important to Leo than 'im, right, isit?(She puts Wyatt hammer and tack in the playpen.) There yer go, big boy. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Let's go.

Chris: Go, eh, luv? Go where, isit?It's pointin' ter the middle of the Indian Ocean.

Paige: There must be sumfink there, right, I trust Wyatt.

Chris: No, this is crazy.

Phoebe: Chris, she's feelin' right strongly about this. (Phoebe stands beside Paige and Paige puts 'er arm 'round 'er.) I 'ave a new power. I'll explain on the bloody way.

Paige: (to Chris) Oh, hey, right, can yer take the dogs hammer and tack for me? The bloody addresses are in the book.

Chris: No, right, there's no way. (Paige orbs out wiv Phoebe. Chris kicks one of Wyatt's toys across the room. Wyatt's force field appears 'round 'imself.) If any fairy should be protectin' ffemselves, it's me from yer.

(Piper walks in and 'ave a looks at a cabinet. She spots 'er and Leo's weddin' photo.)

[Cut to an island in the bloody middle of the bloomin' Indian Ocean. Phoebe and Paige are walkin' dahn a paff in the rainforest.]

Paige: It's so beautiful 'ere, it's like paradise, right? But why ain't it on the bloody map?

Phoebe: They obviously don't want any fairy ter know it exists, do wot guvnor! Like the island 'as some sort of magical camouflage or sumfink.

Paige: That's an 'ell of a bit of magic.

Male Voice: Over there.

(Phoebe and Paige 'ide in the bushes, init?Free men run dahn the bloody paff, past where Phoebe and Paige are 'idden. Once gone, Phoebe and Paige come out of the bushes.)

Paige: That were close, I 'ope they're not 'ave a lookin' for us.

[Cut to the bloomin' cave. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Phoebe and Paige ball of chalk in and 'ave a look 'round.]

Paige: Anyfink?

(Leo races into the cage.)

Leo: Phoebe, Paige.

Phoebe: Leo! Honest guv! Oh me god.

Paige: I can't believe it.

Leo: I can't tell yer 'ow right good it is ter see yer lads. Eh up, yer cut yor 'air.

Phoebe: (happily) Yeah, right, yeah, yer like it?

Paige: Wotcher, blokes.

Phoebe: Oh.

Paige: Wotcher doin' in 'ere any road?

Leo: Some geezer put me 'ere, that's wot. (Two Valkyries run in.) Wotch out! Struth!

(The girls turn 'round and the bloody Valkyries flin' them across the room wiv telekinetic powers. The bleedin' Valkyries run over ter ffem and they start fightin'. The bloomin' Valkyries 'old Paige and Phoebe up against the chuffin' wall by their necks. Leo grabs two swords and frows them at the bloody Valkyries, stabbin' them in the back. They fall ter ffe ground.)

Phoebe: Oh, right, oh, thank yer.

(They go hammer and tack over ter Leo.)

Paige: Cor, Leo, I didn't know yer 'ad it in yer.

Leo: I've changed, do wot guvnor! Yer need ter get out of 'ere before the uvver Valkyries find yer. If yer orbed in 'ere, they've already been alerted, believe me.

Phoebe: Valkyries, isit?'oo are they and wot do they want wiv yer?

Leo: Yer can't orb out from 'ere, it's protected. (They 'ear voices.) Yer need ter get out of 'ere now. Go, run! Honest guv!

Phoebe: We'll be back.

(Phoebe and Paige run out of the cage and orb out. The chuffin' Valkyries run in and spot the two uvver Valkyries dead. They 'ave a look at Leo.)

Leo: I told yer, I don't belong 'ere.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Manor. Right. Dinin' Room, init?Phoebe, Paige, Chris and the bulldog are there. Paige is 'ave a lookin' frough the Butcher's hook of Shadows.]

Chris: Yer could 'ave been killed, yer know that, isit?Huh, mate? Wot were yer finkin'?

Paige: We were finkin' of findin' Leo, wich we actually did if that matters ter yer.

Phoebe: Wot were up wiv that skirt 'e were wearin'?

Paige: At least the skirt weren't plaid.

(Phoebe laughs.)

Chris: I don't believe this. It's like neever of yer lads are takin' this right straight up. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. (The bulldog barks at Chris.) 'ey, right, do yer mind?

Paige: Well, I can't 'elp it if 'e don't like yer. Cor blimey guv! Eh up, yer were sposed ter take 'im hammer and tack home any road.

Chris: I tried but the bleedin' owners weren't there. Besides, right, the dog, he's not me Uncle Bob, he's yors.

Paige: I know, right, don't remind me. (The dog growls.) 'ey, Oscar, lay dahn.

(Oscar walks over and lays dahn beside Paige.)

Phoebe: Aw, 'ave a look, right, Paige, right, I fink 'e likes yer.

Paige: Yeah, right, great, right, don't tell me yer can read 'is feelings now too.

Phoebe: No, but if I start lickin' yor toes, run. Where's Piper?

Chris: I put 'er in 'er room 'opin' that it might jog 'er memory. Since no bloke else seems ter be tryin' to.

(Paige finds the Valkyries in the Butcher's hook of Shadows.)

Paige: Here it is. "Valkyries. A powerful race of demigoddesses 'oo scout the battle grounds for dyin' warriors."

Phoebe: "Then take their souls ter Valhalla where they prepare them for the bleedin' final world battle."

Paige: Valkyries, huh?

Phoebe: Does that mean they're good?

Paige: How can they be good if they've got Leo?

Phoebe: And 'ow did they even cop Leo, isit?He's not a dyin' warrior, he's an Elder.

Chris: 'Ave a look, right, why don't yer lads concentrate on 'elpin' Piper and I'm gonna go fill in the Elders and spot wot they wanna do.

Phoebe: But Chris, we don't 'ave time for that. Right. We 'ave ter go back for Leo now.

Chris: Why? It don't sound like 'e's in any sort of Barney Rubble.

Paige: He's only stuck in a cage.

Phoebe: They tried ter kill us wen we tried ter Chas'n'Dave 'im.

Chris: Me point exactly. It's too dangerous, right, yor not gahn back.

Phoebe: Wait, right, let me cop this straight. Are yer tellin' me that yer'd ravver just let Leo rot there, then, luv? Is that wotcher sayin'?

Chris: No, but...

Paige: He needs us help.

Phoebe: Not ter mention, he may be the chuffin' only way we 'ave ter Chas'n'Dave Piper.

(Chris sighs.)

Chris: Yer can't orb into Valhalla undetected. The bloomin' only way to get there safely is wiv a Valkyries pendant. But that still won't cop yer close enough ter Leo. Cor blimey guv! He's too well guarded now.

Paige: How do yer know all this?

Chris: I've crossed paffs wiv Valkyries before. In the future. Any road, so I can cop yer the bloody pendants but the only way ter get close to Leo is by provin' ter the Valkyries yor one of them.

Phoebe: How are we sposed ter do that?

Chris: Easy. Just arrive wiv a warrior's soul.

Paige: Oh! Right! Easy.

Phoebe: Where are we sposed ter find a warrior's soul?

Chris: Beats me.

(Chris orbs out.)

[Scene: Sewer. A bobby is shot. He falls ter the chuffin' ground. The bleedin' shooter runs out. A portal opens and a Valkyrie walks out of it.]

Leysa: It's awright, yer don't 'ave ter be afraid. Yor a brave warrior. I'll take care of yer.

(Chris orbs in.)

Chris: I don't fink so, Leysa. Not this time.

Leysa: Wotcher doin' 'ere?

Chris: Me plans 'ave changed unfortunately, right? The bloody witches, right, they found Leo sooner than I would 'ave liked.

Leysa: That's not me problem. We kept us end of the deal.

Chris: I know. And I'm bloody well forever grateful. But I can't risk them findin' out wot I'm up to. I'm truly sorry. (He tightens 'is fist and Leysa gasps. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? She grabs 'er chest and falls ter the floor. Chris walks over ter her and takes 'er necklace.) Forgive us. (Leysa vanishes. Chris kneels beside the bleedin' wounded cop. He lifts his arm and 'esitates. He takes the cop's radio.) Officer dahn. Eighff avenue sewer, we need an ambulance.

[Scene: Alley. Darryl leads a criminal out of a buildin' into the bleedin' alley.]

Criminal: Yer ain't got noffin' on me.

Darryl: Shut it. (He take 'im over ter the car.) Cop in there. (Phoebe and Paige orb in near by and waves 'im over.) Wait 'ere.

Criminal: Yeah, right, like I'm gahn anywhere.

(Darryl shuts the bleedin' door and goes over ter the girls.)

Darryl: Are yer out of yor mind, then, eh, guv? Wotcher doin' 'ere?

(He leads them furffer dahn the chuffin' alley.)

Phoebe: Darryl, right, we need yor 'elp.

Darryl: Does this 'ave anyfink ter do wiv yer askin' Sheila to wotch Wyatt, isit?She just called.

Phoebe: Yes, actually. But we don't 'ave a bit of time. It's about Leo.

Darryl: Yer found 'im?

Paige: Actually, yeah, we did.

Phoebe: And we need yor 'elp ter Chas'n'Dave 'im.

Darryl: Sure, yer know that, just ask, anyfink.

Phoebe: Great! Blimey! We just need ter borrow yor soul for a couple of hours.

Paige: Yeah, we'll cop it right back.

Phoebe: It's perfectly safe, right. Yor body will just slip into a coma and as long as we cop yor soul hammer and tack in time...

Paige: Wich we will.

Phoebe: Yer'll be not so bad. Just a wee 'eadache, right, that's all. Wot do yer say?

(Silence.)

Darryl: Yor serious, ain't yer?

Phoebe: Please, Darryl, it's the only way we can Chas'n'Dave Leo.

Darryl: No! Right! I ain't doin' it.

Phoebe: Darryl, please.

Darryl: No, absolutely not! Struth! Listen, right, I luv Leo like a bruvver but yer know, there's a limit ter wot yer ask me ter do.

(He turns and walks off mumblin' ter himself. Paige frows a potion at him and 'is body drops ter the bleedin' ground, right, leavin' just 'is soul walkin' along.)

Paige: Uh, Darryl?

Darryl: Wot?

(He turns 'round. Paige points ter his body on the ground.)

Darryl: Oh. That's just great.

(Phoebe opens a wee bottle and 'is soul gets sucked into it. She puts on the lid.)

Phoebe: I 'ope this works.

[Cut to the manor. Livin' room. Piper and Chris are there. ]

Chris: Just remember evryfink I told yer and yer'll be not so bad, okay?

(He places the Valkyrie's necklace 'round Piper's neck and it glows. She turns into a Valkyrie 'erself and is now wearin' a levver skirt and sleeveless top. Cor blimey guv! Phoebe and Paige orb in.)

Phoebe: Okay, we got the... Oh me god, wot did yer do ter Piper?

Chris: I turned 'er into a Valkyrie. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. And convinced 'er she's one too. Actually, right, it weren't that 'ard right, considerin' the fact that 'er mind is basically a blank.

Paige: But why?

Chris: Because yer might need the power of free ter get Leo out of Valhalla and this is the bloody only way yer'll cop her in Valhalla.

Phoebe: Well, if Piper ever gets 'er memory back, she's gonna kill yer.

Chris: Why?

Phoebe: Because she 'ates wearin' them costumes as much as we do.

Paige: Mm-hmm.

Chris: Yeah, right, well, in that case, yor gonna kill me too.

(He holds out two more Valkyrie necklaces, init?Paige's mince pies widen.)

[Cut to Valhalla. Rainforest paff. A portal opens and Piper, Phoebe and Paige ball of chalk out all wearin' Valkyrie outfits.]

[Cut to the cave. The Valkyries are there. Two pull out a warrior from the cage. Piper, Phoebe and Paige ball of chalk in.]

Kara: Can I 'elp yer?

Phoebe: We've brought yer a warrior.

Kara: Warrior?

Phoebe: Is there a problem?

Freyja: How come I don't recognise yer?

(Piper steps forward.)

Piper: Peraps yer'll recognise this. A warrior's spirit worffy of Valhalla.

(She opens the bloody bottle and Darryl's spirit escapes from it.)

Freyja: Well done.

Commercial Break

[Scene: Valhalla. Cor blimey guv! Cave. Darryl, now corporeal, is frown into the cage, along wiv a shield and sword. Piper, right, Phoebe and Paige are sittin' near by. A man offers them some fruit but Phoebe shakes her 'ead.]

Paige: Not a bad afterlife if yer ask me.

(Darryl 'ave a looks at the girls.)

Phoebe: Yor doin' great, honey.

(Leo walks into the cage wiv the helmet on. He spots Darryl and 'ave a looks at the bloody girls. Paige waves.)

Paige: Okay, I know 'ow we're gonna Chas'n'Dave Leo but 'ow are we gonna Chas'n'Dave Morris?

Phoebe: I 'ave know idea, right, that's why they call it winging it.

Piper: Wotcher two goin' on about?

Phoebe: Nuffink.

(Leo and Darryl ball of chalk 'round the cage.)

Freyja: Wotcher waitin' for, isit?Attack! Right!

(Darryl attacks Leo and knocks off 'is 'elmet.)

Piper: Leo?

Paige: Wot are we gonna do?

Phoebe: It's Piper. Her pain is back, right, do sumfink.

Paige: Uh, kill 'im! Struth!

(Leo kicks Darryl and 'e falls flat on 'is back. Leo jumps on 'im and they roll 'round the bloody floor.)

Leo: Take the fall.

Darryl: Wot fall?

(Leo loaf of bread butts Darryl.)

Leo: Stay dahn. (Leo stands up and raises 'is arms.) Yeah!

(The Valkyries are disappointed.)

Piper: Woss 'e doin' 'ere, isit?Wot are we doin' 'ere?

Paige: Piper, shh! Right!

(Phoebe feels 'er pain.)

Phoebe: Ow. Do sumfink.

(Paige stands up.)

Paige: We just wanted ter apologise for sendin' yer such a weak warrior. We can cop rid of 'im for yer.

Mist: Cop rid of 'im?

Paige: Yeah. Yer know, like send 'is spirit onto the bloomin' hereafter or sumfink.

Freyja: Right well.

(The Valkyries go their separate ways. Yer can't 'ave a knees-up wivout a joanna. Piper goes up ter the chuffin' cage.)

Piper: Yer left me, didn't yer?

Phoebe: Potion, potion. (Paige frows a potion at the door and it opens.) We gotta cop out of 'ere.

(Leo helps Darryl up.)

[Cut to outside the cave. Cor blimey guv! Leo and Darryl run outside.]

Leo: It's clear! Right!

(Phoebe, Piper and Paige ball of chalk outside. Phoebe don't 'ave a look so right good.)

Paige: I'll open the portal.

Phoebe: Uh! Right!

(Phoebe grabs 'er chest.)

Paige: Phoebe.

Phoebe: It's Piper, right? Her 'eart is breakin'.

Leo: Piper...

Piper: Don't. Stay oray from me.

Leo: I promise I will explain evryfink wen we cop home but right now we need ter go.

Piper: Home, then? We don't 'ave an 'ome. Yer left us.

Phoebe: Leo, talk ter her! Right!

Leo: I didn't 'ave a choice. I became an Elder, right, it's not sumfink that I wanted, it's sumfink that just 'appened.

Piper: Yes, right, see I know all of this. Cor blimey guv, would I lie to you? Why didn't I remember it?

Leo: Because I used me powers so yer wouldn't 'ave to. Yor anger almost destroyed a city, and then yor pain almost destroyed yer. I wanted ter help yer so yer wouldn't 'ave ter deal wiv it all at once.

Piper: So yer took me feelings oray?

Leo: No, never, right? I were gonna reverse the bloody spell slowly so yer could feel a wee more evry day but then some fairy did ter this to me, some fairy put me 'ere so I couldn't. I'll get out me spoons. I'm sorry.

Darryl: 'Ave a look, I don't wanna rush yer two, but we 'ave ter go.

Paige: I 'ave ter second that.

(Piper shakes 'er loaf of bread and 'ave a looks at Phoebe. The chuffin' empaff inside Phoebe kicks in.)

Phoebe: Yer bastard. How dare yer do this ter me. To us son.

Paige: Phoebe?

Phoebe: We 'ad a life togeffer, a family and yer destroyed it, yer destroyed me. Yer left me alone ter raise us son by meself. How could yer do this, then, eh, luv? How could yer do this! Oi! (She yelled it so loudly that the bleedin' camp near by 'ears.) 'ow could yer! Struth! (Phoebe punches Leo in the bloomin' Nanny Goat Race twice, right? She suddenly puts the mockers on before she can hit 'im a fird time. She 'ave a looks at Piper.) I don't feel Piper anymore.

(They hear voices in the distance.)

Paige: We 'ave ter go.

(Paige touches 'er necklace and the portal opens.)

Phoebe: Come on, Piper, we've gotta go.

Piper: Go, isit?Go where?

Paige: Home, hurry.

(The warriors run dahn the bleedin' paff.)

Phoebe: We gotta leave 'er. Come on.

(Phoebe, Paige, right, Leo and Darryl run into the portal leavin' Piper behind. Free warriors run in after them. The portal closes. Freyja, Mist and Valkyrie #2 run dahn the paff. They spot Piper standin' there.)

To be continued...

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