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| Season
1 |
1x01 Something wicca this way comes
Something Bitchy This Way Comes
And it's in the form of the Original Glamorous Ladies of Halliwell Manor!
Join Demian as he takes a trip down mammary lane with this series-premiere
episode of Charmed. |
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1x02 I've got you under my skin
Piper Halliwell graduates! Piper Halliwell graduates!
Not really, but she does cross the threshold of a church without bursting
into flame. Wish the same could be said for Liza's new husband.
Ba-dum-bump. Lord, that joke is tired - almost as tired as Liza! Um,
anyway. Oh, yeah! Andy's naked! Naked men! It's summer! Whee! |
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1x03 Thank you for not morphing
Shape of...a smackdown!
Daddy Dearest Version 1.0 blows into town to "save" his "little girls"
from the Power of Three. For his troubles, he gets smacked into a wall by
Prue. We love her. |
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1x04
Dead man dating
I screw dead people
Piper's predilection for the dearly departed finally manifests itself when
she falls for an affable murder victim who enjoys Cantonese cooking,
molecular biology, French existentialists, and long walks on the beach.
Elsewhere, Phoebe annoys, and Prue prepares to audition for Puppetry Of
The Penis. |
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1x05
Dream sorcerer
Stars shining bright above you
Night breezes seem to whisper, "I love you, but I'm going to invade your
sleep, tart you up like a 1940s contract player from the RKO lot, swing
you around in a ghastly approximation of a foxtrot, and then fling your
screaming body from a parapet on the ninetieth floor of a Deco
skyscraper." Ain't love grand? |
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1x06
The wedding from hell
The Episode From Hell
Wow! Sucky! |
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1x07 The
fourth sister
The Transspecies Bisexual Menace
Phoebe gets in touch with her "alternative" side with the help of a
nose-picking Goth princess, and molests a plant. It's gross, but I never
did understand the appeal of that whole girl-on-girl-on-geranium thing,
anyway. |
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1x08
The truth is out there and it hurts
Ow! Quit it. Ow! Quit it
The Twinkle-Toed Tinkle Of Wacky Wiccan Hijinks invades Demian's apartment
to rummage through his roommate's stash of porn. No, Demian doesn't
understand it, either. Just go with it. |
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1x09
The witch is back
"What's a zoo?"
AAAAAAUUUUUUGH. A dizzy blonde with an impressive push-up bra pops into
the Manor for a visit, claiming to be the Glamorous Ladies'
great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandmother. I'd suggest she
pull the other one, but she's actually telling the truth. Go figure. |
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1x12
The Wendigo
And On This Week's Bastardization Theater...
Piper's attacked by a creature that's sort of like a werewolf. As a
result, she gets hairier. Phoebe and Prue are sidetracked into thinking
they're on Touched By An Angel, but recover in time to save the day. And
Phoebe gets a job! Don't worry, it doesn't last. |
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1x15
Is there a Woogy in the house?
Get Down! Woogy Oogy Oogy!
Yeah, that pun's bad, but it's no worse than the first ten minutes of the
episode. Things pick up, though, when Phoebe turns evil, and we also get
our first look at Grams. I know, I know. "Turns"? |
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1x16
Which Prue is it, anyway?
Once, Twice, Three Times A Ball-Buster
Prue's got a target on her back, so she casts a Multiplicity-esque spell.
Three Pipers would be merely annoying, while three Phoebes would be
torture. But three Prues? Shockingly amusing. |
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1x17
That 70s episode
That Plot Hole Episode
And yet, despite the aforementioned plot holes and the mind-bending
continuity errors and the painfully bad special effects, this is one of
the best episodes they've ever produced. Why? Jennifer Rhodes and Finola
Hughes bitch at each other. A lot. |
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1x22
Deja vu all over again
Groundhog Slay
The Ps have to relive the same day over and over until Andy dies. Well,
that's what it amounts to, anyway. But it's surprisingly good, and it's
got David Carradine! No, really! |
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Season 2
|
2x01
Witch trial
A demon, who looks like a mini-Tim Curry devil from the flick Legend,
appears, steals the book, and disappears. Prue holds up her hand to throw
attitude, but stops. Piper asks what the hell that was. Phoebe wonders
where the BoS is. Prue is nonplused. Piper bitches, "So much for being
demon-free." |
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2x02
Morality bites
I have to admit, grudgingly, that this was a pretty entertaining episode.
The Halliwells travel ten years into the future where Phoebe’s a martyr,
Piper’s a mommy, and Prue continues to be another kind of "mother." |
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2x03 The
painted world
This week, Prue and Piper get trapped in an oil painting, a plot I enjoyed
much more when it was released in theaters as The Witches. And Phoebe
casts a spell that turns her magically from moron to plain idiot (tm
tigerlily). How can we tell? There's about twenty percent less blithering. |
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2x04
The devil's music
The Ps open their nightclub, where Jenny gets eaten by a demon. Woo hoo!
But the Halliwells save her. Khan! Also, the band Dishwalla is
relentlessly shilled for an hour. I'm not saying anything subliminal was
going on, but after the episode aired I blacked out for two hours and woke
up with both of their albums and the Pie Fucker soundtrack (tm Wing) in my
hand. And my clothes were on backwards. Just kidding about that last part. |
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2x05
She's a man, baby, a man
Piper tells her to have sweet dreams, but not to kill anyone. Prue looks
perplexed. Piper tells her not to ask. Word. |
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2x06
That old black magic
Freud's eternal rest was disturbed once again this week, as the Halliwell
girls are commissioned to teach a teenage boy how to use his -- ahem --
wand. And it's up to us to decide which is lamer -- the blatant Blair
Witch Project parody/rip-off or the Dan-Piper-Leo love triangle. |
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2x07 They're
everywhere
This week our hopes that Dan and Jack turn out to be warlocks or rather,
Man Witches (tm bluegirl) are dashed, the running time is padded by
characters saying things twice saying things twice, and Piper starts to do
Owen’s recapping for him. |
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2x08 P3 H2O
Wow! Those Halliwells! They put the "We Can" back in Wiccan! They surely
do! |
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2x09
Ms. Hellfire
Prue whines that she needs "another me" because she doesn’t even have time
"to have fun anymore." I hear ya, sister. |
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2x10
Heartbreak city
Ah, welcome to the great big eugenics experiment that is Aaron Spelling
television programming. Only the white, straight and toothsome need apply. |
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2x11
Reckless abandon
Prue had no idea her sister could knit. Word - where does Piper find the
time to run a business and keep house for her sisters and date the
next-door neighbor, in addition to maintaining a crystal meth lab in the
basement to supply the energy to perform all of these tasks? |
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2x12
Awakened
Piper believes that the club might be over the "occupancy limit" and
starts throwing a little fit. We see a blurry POV shot of frat-boy
two-stepping extras, and Piper collapses onto the floor. |
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2x13
Animal pragmatism
UC Berkeley? Could Phoebe have possibly been accepted? What college is
this? |
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2x14
Pardon my past
Prue invites Pheebs downstairs for a study break. Phoebe can’t, because
she has "too many phobias" -- to learn! Yuk yuk yuk. Not. |
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2x15
Give me a sign
Jessup (played by special guest star Antonio Sabato, Jr.), stands up,
muscles rippling. He’s confused, because he thought his hearing was next
week. Bane looks intently at them and realizes, "I’ve never seen you guys
before." The guards enter his cell anyway, and the men strip down to form
a Sabato sandwich. Oh, my bad. I only thought I was inadvertently watching
a gay porn video. |
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2x16
Murphy's luck
A St. Patrick's Day issue? What rag is this -- Highlights for Children? He
expositions that Ms. Murphy is "the unluckiest woman in San Francisco. And
she's Irish. Down the hall where they do the writing, they call that
irony." (That's funny; down the hall at MBTV, the writers call that
contrivance.) |
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2x17
How to make a quilt out of Americans
A demon cloud that takes the form of the disembodied head of Michael
Jackson (if only!) demands to know, "WHO SUMMONED ME?" The old ladies are
humbled by Cheeto's presence. He wants to know what they want. |
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2x18
Chick flick
Prue expositions some more about Dan being "the past" and how Piper's
"future is in town tonight for dinner and a movie." Piper expositions some
more about Leo and their wishes to be a normal couple. Owen returns from
adding a forgotten fabric-softener sheet to the dryer. |
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2x19
Ex libris
Prue gives extra-quick exposition about No. magazine sending her out to
"capture faces" in the city (an assignment that has BUSY WORK stamped all
over it, in my opinion) so Prue went to "the Haight, " i.e. the
Haight-Ashbury District, I suppose, to take photos. |
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2x20
Astral monkey
NO ONE CARES WHERE DAN IS THIS EPISODE OR, FOR THAT MATTER, EVER. |
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2x21
Apocalypse not
Piper explains that she's just "hanging out, spending non-magic time" with
her sisters. Leo asks for a raincheck. Prue urges them to go out to dinner
while the callous Ps go to the club to "keep an eye" on things. (Because
"keeping an eye" is far removed from the act of "lifting a finger.") Piper
expositions that she's hired a good assistant manager to do that. |
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2x22
Be careful what you witch for
Hell. Yes, we're literally in hell. |
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Season
3
|
3x01
The Honeymoon is over
Seems there was a little misunderstanding between the abandoned Halliwell
Ps over the division of responsibilities in middle sister Piper's absence.
Phoebe expresses concern that Piper and Leo Wyatt might never return from
Leo's Whitelighter land of orbed-off bliss, which Prue dismisses. |
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3x02
Magic hour
Brooke and the owl share a tender moment. I can't believe I just typed
that last sentence. |
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3x03
Once upon a time
Leo admits he's come to say goodbye, this time for good. The Powers That
Be caught them red-handed trying to circumvent the rules, and Leo can
never see Piper again. This episode just started, and I'm already bored. |
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3x04
All Halliwell's eve
I Have A Feeling We're Not In Toto Anymore, Kansas
Cole dons a wig appropriate for the front man in a seventies hair band in
order to cut the Halliwell line of witches off at its head. Speaking of
head, Leo and Darryl bond over a couple of Grimlocks while the Prue,
Piper, and Phoebe shuttle back in time to save a certain Halliwell
foremother from the dastardly plans of the forces of evil. |
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3x05
Sight unseen
Stalker? I Don't Even Know Her.
Piper and Phoebe stand impotently on the sidelines as Prue descends into
stalker-induced paranoia. Darryl, meanwhile, limply meanders through this
episode himself, his latex gloves his only friends. Cole proves quite a
bit more virile - if shady - in his battle to rid himself of the new demon
on the block. And let's just say that "impotent" and "Leo" can no longer
be used next to each other in a sentence. Unfortunately. |
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3x06
Primrose empath
Cole, Shirtless, Part The First
I have no idea if stripping Julian McMahon of his clothes is a ratings
stunt for sweeps, but you know what? I don't care. In the first of two
shirtless McMahon episodes, Cole sends Prue a series of signs that lead
her to Vince, a shut-in empath on the verge of suicide because of the
voices in his head. Prue works a spell that transfers the empath power
from Vince to herself, and we find out Vince the Empath Shut-In is
actually Vinceres the Immortal Demonic Assassin. Oops. Prue quickly
descends into madness, leaving Piper, Phoebe, and Leo to search for a
solution alone. Also, Julian McMahon takes his clothes off. Mmm. |
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3x07
Power outrage
Cole, Shirtless, Part The Second
In the second McMahonflesh sweeps episode, Cole hires a demon named Andras
to help him destroy the Power of Three. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe get really
honest with each other, then backpedal when they realize honesty is not in
their best interests. Alyssa Milano looks better than she has any right to
in black capri pants and a matching bustier, while the Andrews Sisters
meet a nasty end down in Hell. Also, Julian McMahon takes his clothes off.
Mmm. |
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3x08
Sleuthing with the enemy
I want Cole in my stocking this year
Many thanks to Laurie for the line above. Cole pleads "reformed" and
Phoebe buys it hook, line, and sinker. Good thing, because Julian McMahon
is quite simply too gorgeous to be vanquished. Prue formulates, Piper
pontificates, Phoebe prevaricates, and a guest demon agitates. This
episode, however, is Cole's to lose, and in Demian's heart of hearts, he
doesn't. Like he ever could at this point. |
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3x09
Coyote Piper
Coyote Not-So-Ugly
Except for the clothes and the hair and the alchemist and Leo, but we
should expect all of that by now. Piper gets possessed by the Essence of
Slut, and thus has a far better time at her high-school reunion than she
thought she would. The Pruevert returns with a vengeance and sets her
sights on a younger man who drives a sporty red convertible. Phoebe spends
far too much of my time pining for her much, much older man, who
unfortunately does not make an appearance in this episode. And as for me?
Well, let's just say Julian McMahon has distracted me from how much I
really hate Brian Krause. Take McMahon out of the episode, and I'm free to
let the rage seethe. Asshole. |
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3x10
We all scream for ice-cream
Well, some of us. I'm screaming for this crap to end. The production staff
makes me grateful I have no need to breed as it parades ten - count 'em,
ten - preadolescent nightmares before my eyes in this Very Special
child-centric Charmed. I've a newfound admiration for my parents. How they
managed to stagger through forty years of child-rearing without smothering
me and my seven siblings as we slept is beyond my powers of comprehension.
By the way, Prue, Piper, Phoebe, and the Dolt see some action in this one.
No, not like that. Ew. |
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3x11
Blinded by the whitelighter
Blinded by the Dolt
There's a warlock on the loose, and he's gunning for the Whitelighter
Brigade. Prue, Piper, and Phoebe get a new guardian for this assignment,
as The Powers That Be feel that the Dolt is letting his emotions cloud his
judgment. Natalie is the new gal's name, and she's tough as nails, so of
course the sisters immediately hate her with the blazing passion of a
thousand suns. Will they overcome their differences to succeed in
vanquishing the warlock before he destroys Heaven? I take it you don't
watch this show very often. By the way, the Dolt gets a new nickname. I
don't care if you hate me for it. The bastard deserves it. |
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3x12
Wrestling with demons
Wrestling with the Nielsens
In a ratings ploy, Charmed imports a trio of WCW lugnuts to combat the new
Thursday installments of Survivor II and CSI on CBS. The ploy failed
miserably, but the episode was entertaining nonetheless. The lovely ladies
of Halliwell Manor go up against the low-rent meat-axes of the WCW to save
the soul of an adorable ex of Prue's. There's little Leo, which is a good
thing, and a lot of ass-kicking, which is even better. Shame they had to
ruin it with all that endless blather over Phoebe lying about the
Colethazor. Idiots. |
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3x13
Bride and gloom
Something borrowed, something Prue
Piper's plans for a normal wedding grind to a predictable halt when a
virulent form of, well, virulence causes her to freak out on the wedding
planners and actually make her fiancé, well, die. Meanwhile, Prue is
apprehended by the Rogaine product-placement department's next
before-and-after project, and discovers that she's only desirable as a
prospective wife if she agrees to spend the whole marriage flat on her
back. Cole returns just in time to contend with angry demons, angry
witches, and an angry costume department who foisted the heinous specter
of Phoebe's knitwear on a now-angry nation. |
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3x14
The good, the bad and the cursed
The Contrived, the Unrealistic, and the Overlong
Daddy Dearest Victor Bennett inadvertently places the Power of Three at
risk when he uses Phoebe as the canary in the coal mine to check out a
possible investment site, which is currently occupied by a rather active
ghost town. Piper's plans for The Perfect Wedding are once again placed on
ice when Phoebe is led to death's door because of her accidental
involvement in the ghost town's sordid past. Prue is forced to bury the
hatchet with Cole temporarily in order to save Phoebe's life. Prue and
Cole squiggle on over to a parallel plane, where they meet John Ashcroft
and a Magical Native American Guy, among others. The Dolt also gets some
screentime, butChuckles the Crow owns this episode. Atta boy. |
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3x15
Just Harried
Somewhere, Sigmund Freud spins in his grave
Prue sorely tries the patience of all involved - including your faithful
recapper - when her AP "Id" splits from her Special Ed "Ego," wreaking
havoc on Piper and the Dolt's wedding ceremony in the process. A cast of
thousands joins the Ps for this Very Special Episode, including Veronica
Sawyer's mother, Harvey Keitel Lite, Bobby Briggs, Brian Hawkins, an Evil
Smoker, Cher, Barbara Hershey's faithless husband from Beaches, the
Colethazor, a plague of boy bands, Celine Dion, Anna Scorpio, Detective
Duhrryl, and other assorted trash of the biker-bar type. Grab a cocktail
and a scorecard and join in on the "fun," kids. The good news is that we
never have to listen to Piper bitch about her wedding delays again. The
bad news is they'll probably spring a divorce storyline on us within two
months. Hooray! Or not. |
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3x16
Death takes a Halliwell
Death Takes A Tango Lesson
On my last nerve. Phoebe, Cole, Piper, the Dolt, a couple of vampires, a
Supreme Court justice, and a cop I'd forgotten about form the supporting
cast in this battle between Prue's inner child and the Angel of Death.
Guess who wins. Prue, you say? Wrong answer! Finally. That witch needed to
be taken down a peg or two. |
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3x17
Prewitched
PreBitched
Jennifer Rhodes works hard for her money, and even harder not to kick the
Ps’ asses into next month. Finola Hughes joins Casey Lennox and Meat Loaf
as support for the gals as they tussle with demons past and present. Extra
Special Bonus: the Dolt has five minutes of screentime. Extra Special
Hell: He’s naked for most of it. Bleck. |
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3x18
Sin Francisco
Wasn't that the Bay Area Tourist Board's slogan from last year?
Ba-dum-bump. The Eighth Deadly Bath Bead of Cheap Shots, ladies and
gentlemen. Give him a hand. He'll be with us for the entire recap. |
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3x19
The demon who came in from the cold
The Demon Who Came In From Thzzzzzzzzzzz
The sisters use their powers to prevent a corporate merger. If that sounds
like fun to you, you need to tear up that MBA from the Thunderbird School
of International Management and get out of the house more often. Yawn. |
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3x20
Exit strategy
Exit Strategery
Is Cole really good? Is the Pope the infallible temporal representative of
the Holy Trinity on Earth? The second half of what I pray to be a mere
two-episode story arc ends with Phoebe consumed by doubt and Cole all by
his lonesome in a dungeon. Poke me with a stick when it's over. |
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3x21
Look who's barking
And bitching. And screaming. Of the three, only the first does not apply
to me. A conveniently-appearing banshee -- who, mind you, has nothing to
do with her Gaelic counterparts -- functions as this week's excuse for
wacky Wiccan hijinks. Prue turns into a malamute, Phoebe turns into an
extra in a Bonnie Tyler video, and Piper's left to pick up the pieces.
Just walk away, Piper. After all, Shannen did. |
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3x22
All hell breaks loose
Brad Kern provides the script as Shannen Doherty directs her very own swan
song. God help me, but it's the best episode of Charmed I've ever seen.
Who knew they had it in them? |
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Season
4
|
4x01
Charmed again, part 1
Charmed Again, Part The First
Piper calls upon the spirits to resurrect the Power of Three. By this, she
means, of course, to have the spirits resurrect Prue. Guess what? Doesn't
happen. However, the good news is, Piper gets Rose McGowan as a booby
prize. Heh. I said "booby." Because I'm twelve. Okay, one score and
twelve. Shut up. |
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4x02
Charmed again, part 2
Charmed Again, Part The Second
The Power of Three is restored as Piper, Phoebe, and Paige grow to
understand that they are powerless in the face of their shared "destiny,"
and they accept the higher power known as "contrivance" into their
collective heart. Pass me my bottle of Jagermeister. It's the one with the
IV hook-up. |
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4x03
Hell hath no fury
Hell hath no fury like a Piper bitching
Piper's unresolved anger issues land her in hot water when a trio of
Furies hits town. Almost exactly like last season's Banshees, Furies wreak
havoc by infecting bitchy witches and turning them to the Dark Side.
Needless to say, Piper tops their list of targets. Meanwhile, Rose churns
up a storm of troubles on her own when she absconds from the Manor with
the Book of Shadows and begins flinging personal gains hither and yon.
Idiot. |
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4x04
Enter the demon
Enter The Stench
Of ass. For that is what this evening's presentation is. Ass. |
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4x05 Size
matters
There's a size-queen joke lurking within this episode's title, but I'm not
going to be the man who whips it out for you. Piper, Phoebe, and Raige
cross swords and butt heads with a sexually-disturbed sociopath with a
thing for five-inch-long, artfully-fashioned columns of clay. There's also
a special guest appearance by a tool posing as a club promoter. Not to
worry, though. The tool and the sociopath both find their grand designs
considerably deflated within the tail end of the hour. I wonder what the
gals would charge for their services if they decided they really needed
the extra cash? |
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4x06
A knight to remember
No, it's not the 1950s Titanic movie, though a Titanic-related annoyance
does make an alarming appearance in tonight's episode, and I'm not talking
about Doctor Bombay. Also: Bad fashion choices, both medieval and modern.
Shudder. |
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4x07
Brain drain
Head Games
The Source and Piper, baby / Head games -- And I can't take it anymore /
Head games -- Piper's always with the nagging / Head games / Head games --
Eilish tortures with the costumes / Head games -- 'Til I can't take it
anymore / No more head games -- Stop it with this crap, Brad Kern, please?
/ Head games. Somebody shoot me. |
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4x08
Black as Cole
Black as the Bitter, Bitter Heart Of Brad Kern
The Colethazor's up to his neck in the sturm and the drang as the fiancée
of one of his past victims confronts both him and the Ps once she realizes
he is indeed responsible for the death of her late intended. Phoebe's
flabbergasted, Piper pouts, and Raige reveals her Reaganite roots as the
Glamorous Ladies deal with the Manor-shattering implications. Good thing
the Dolt's on hand to offer a little light-hearted comic relief. Not. |
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4x09
Muse to my ears
An episode that will live in infamy
Why, you ask? Far too much time devoted to the status of Phoebe and Cole's
relationship, far too little time devoted to kicking demonic ass. Mind
you, there's plenty of demonic ass kicked around in this episode. There's
just a hell of a lot more relationship chatter. Add that to the whole
factions-against-the-muses thing, and my teeth were set on edge for the
worse part of an hour. |
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4x10
A Paige from the past
A Pain In My Ass
Dear Charmed Writing Staff: Never again use the words "sucks," "rotten,"
and "car wreck" in the same episode. It makes my job way too easy. Kisses,
Demian. |
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4x11
Trial by magic
Guineas and goombahs and wops, oh my!
The Italian-American Anti-Defamation League files suit as Kern & Co.
populate this week's offering with an array of greaseballs and dagos and
goons as Phoebe fights for justice for the wrongfully accused. How could
Alyssa Milano allow them to do this to her people? |
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4x12
Lost and bound
You Lost Me
Piper takes an adolescent Firestarter under her wing when demonic bounty
hunters threaten to turn him over to The Source. The kid's powers ignite a
round of furious hand-wringing in Halliwell Manor as Piper and the Dolt
use the Firestarter's situation as a jumping-off point for a debate on
"raising magical children in a non-magical world." It's not as tedious as
it sounds. No, they lost me in the bit where Phoebe thinks she's Samantha
Stephens. The Samantha Stephens I know wouldn't bother to wipe Phoebe off
her damned shoe. |
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4x13
Charmed and dangerous
There's a new Source in town
Cole joins forces with yet another guest demon culled from the ranks of
General Hospital regulars to overthrow The Source. In return, Cole gets
all of The Source's powers and a fabulous new wardrobe. Speaking of
fabulous, Piper's hair has never looked better. Offsetting all of this
glamour are, in no particular order, Raige's rags, Phoebe's pigtails, and
the Dolt's obstinate refusal to die when eviscerated by an arrow. I guess
we can't win them all. |
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4x14
The three faces of Phoebe
Phoeby! Phoebi! Phoebé!
Phoebe's past, present, and future selves gather at the Manor to paint
each other's toenails, scarf down some Häagen-Dazs, and talk about boys.
Also, Raige gets a promotion at "work." |
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4x15
Marry-go-round
We'll have an old-fashioned wedding
Or not. Phoebe finally gets to walk down the aisle, but her feet get
tangled up in Coolio's braids, and everything goes to hell. It's sad. |
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4x16
The fifth Halliwheel
Five More Reasons To Hate The Dolt
The Sole's been such a busy boy lately, what with finding a new job and
driving Raige insane, not to mention knocking up Phoebe. Speaking of not
mentioning things, I wish I didn't have to call your attention to Piper
and the Dolt. Unfortunately, they left me little choice. |
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4x17
Saving Private Leo
Kicking The Crap Out Of Private Dolt
Ah. The Brothers Mandylor. Not only are they quite fetching in their tight
clothing, they're also quite skilled at kicking Dolt ass. Don't be
strangers, boys. |
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4x18
Bite me
Suck This
Bloodsucking! Breast implants! Sponge baths! Total Quality Management!
Whizzing on a stick! All this - plus Josephine Potter's Bantering Bandit -
tonight on Charmed! |
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4x19
We're off to see the wizard
In the Arms of the Phoebeast
And boy, are they hairy. Phoebe's evil. For some reason, this is news to
the other characters on the show. Also, D'Eartha and my grandmother split
a beer while wondering what Jane Wyman ever saw in Ronald Reagan. |
| |
4x20
Long live the queen
Long Live The (Drag) Queen
What rough beast slouches towards San Francisco to be born? Beats the hell
out of me. This one's all about Phoebe. Again. What a dump! |
| |
4x21
Womb raider
Get Shortie
And the TM Without Pity goes to tvjunkie for this episode's alternate
title. Just between you and me, the alternate title is the best thing
about this whole mess. |
| |
4x22
Witch way now
This is the way the season ends
Not with a bang, but a baby. |
| |
|
Season
5
|
5x01
A witch's tail, part 1
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Un)
Not that I myself have ever had a mermaid salad sandwich on toasted wheat
bread or, you know, enjoyed me some pan-seared mermaid washed down with a
saucy Chardonnay. It's just what I've heard. |
| |
5x02
A witch's tail, part 2
Smells Like Fish, Tastes Like Chicken (Parte Deux)
No, I still haven't tried the mermaid paté. Why are you looking at me like
that? |
| |
5x03
Happily ever after
Crappily Ever After
Come on. You know I had to say it. The good news: Grams! The bad news:
Grams's hair! And Raige's dress! And Piper's surly pregnant-lady hormones!
And Cole, with the moping! And Young Indiana Jones, with the aging badly!
And the Dolt's giant, scary gargoyle head! And Phoebe's...well, Phoebe's
everything, really. Hag. |
| |
5x04
Siren's song
Color me shocked, but this one was pretty good. The percolating infant
switches around Mom and Dolt's powers to teach the bickering marrieds a
lesson. Meanwhile, Cole chokes Phoebe to death. See? I told you it was
good. |
| |
5x05
Magic wears a mask
Witches. Tights. Whatever.
Next time, toss Julian McMahon into the spandex. Then maybe I'll pay
attention. |
| |
5x06
The eyes have it
Gypsies, Tramps, and Feebs
How do we tell the difference? The Feebs is the only one who's still
bitching about Cole. And he's not even in this episode! Moron. |
| |
5x07
Sympathy for the demon
Sympathy For The Literary Convention
Billy Drago returns to pick up another check from Spelling Productions,
and I respectfully suggest that he spend the entire amount fixing his
hideous teeth. A trip to the day spa couldn't hurt, either. Meanwhile,
Contrivance and Foreshadowing molest Continuity on the Manor sun porch,
and Phoebe gains points by socking the odious Ken Marino in the teeth. |
| |
5x08
A witch in time
...does not save Ken Marino! Hooray! Gonzo The Chinless Wonder gets shot
twice in the chest, takes a ceremonial dagger in the heart, topples off a
fourth-floor balcony, and then gets shot some more! This is the best
episode ever! |
| |
5x09
Daddy dearest
You were expecting a Seuss joke here, weren't you?
Sorry to disappoint. In this sturdy yet dull episode, Raige meets her
long-lost, long-dead, home-wrecking, alcoholic, clumsy, foolish,
ineffectual, and boring Whitelighter father, and it only serves to prove
that watching other people booze it up is nowhere near as fun as boozing
it up yourself. |
| |
5x10
The mummy's tomb
Y Tu Mammaries También
Oh, pipe down. You know I had to do it, especially after Phoebe unleashed
the Fun Bags on an unsuspecting Egypt to jiggle her way through a
mortifyingly ludicrous version of The Dance Of The Seven Veils. Good thing
Raige can add resurrection to her growing list of powers, because everyone
who witnessed that embarrassment dropped dead. |
| |
5x11
The Importance of being Phoebe
The Importance Of Being A Deranged Serial Killer
Because really, this one's all about Cole. Your favorite demonic boy toy
and mine shreds Phoebe's professional reputation, sabotages Piper's club,
frames Raige for murder, wrests control of the Nexus from the Glamorous
Ladies, inhales The New And Improved Non-Dread Non-Woogy, gets a hummer
from a shape-shifting bimbo, and still has time to remodel the Casa. Is
there anything he can't do? Besides survive to the end of the season, of
course. |
| |
5x12
Centennial Charmed
The one-hundredth episode features a butch Dolt, an even butcher Piper, a
whiny Feebs, a victorious Raige, and the triumphant return of Miss Debbi
Morgan. And oh, yeah, I almost forgot: Cole dies. |
| |
5x13
House Call
Many Happy Returns
A slothful Dolt, passable effects, a general sense of self-mockery, and
Our Lady Of The Dead Heathers. Slampiece Glenn's back, too, but his
horrific hair-don't makes us all very sad indeed. |
| |
5x14
Sand Francisco dreamin'
kept waiting for this one to start sucking, and it never really did. Come
inside and watch me make an ass of myself gushing about one of the best
episodes this show's ever produced. |
| |
5x15
Special delivery
The Day. The Maaaaaagic. Died.
I started singing, "So sad -- that poor, aging Ladd hag."
Asked the Phoebe, "Who would she be?"
"Some old bat with a shag."
And my friend Raige sniffed, "I thought Feebs was the slag."
Good God! This'll be the day the Dolt cries --
And that'll be the moment I die.
Because I'm going to KILL MYSELF. |
| |
5x16
Baby's first demon
Baby's First Sucky Episode
After much demon-related mayhem, The Done One finally gets a name. Grace
Zabriskie, meanwhile, singlehandedly pulls this episode out of the toilet
through sheer force of will. It still wasn't worth it. |
| |
5x17
Lucky Charmed
This Show Blows, And I Want To Die
Eye-searing fashions, god-awful accents, and one very prominent cooter
tattoo make for an episode only Helen Keller could love. |
| |
5x18 Cat house
Prat House
The Dolt has Issues, so everyone suffers. Piper casts a personal gain
spell that imprisons Phoebe and Raige in her recollections of Dolts past.
Also, Kit returns to shock everyone with his unbearably dowdy fashion
sense. |
| |
5x19
Naughty nymphs
Nymrods Just Want Demian Dead
This show is killing me. Killing me! A trio of wood nymphs seeks the
Glamorous Ladies' protection when their satyr gets fried by Demian's
newest new husband. Piper, evil witch that she is, fights frying with
frying, and Demian once again finds himself alone and forlorn. Shrew. |
| |
5x20
Sense and sense ability
Touch my monkey
Crazy Grace sends Marcel from Outbreak after the Glamorous Ladies.
Unfortunately, it's Crazy Grace who ends up on the funeral pyre. Dammit! |
| |
5x21
Necromancing the stone
Men Suck
Grams thinks The Done One is terribly wrong, Raige learns that Slampiece
Ratbag has a wife and two kids, Chronic tries to enslave poor, wretched,
put-upon Phoebe, and don't even get me started on the Dolt. |
| |
5x22
Oh my Goddess Part 1
Revenge Of The Big Gay Done One (Part The First)
Mayhem erupts when a dimwitted dark demonic force releases the Titans from
their three-thousand-year-old ice prison. The Glamorous Ladies panic,
until a Big Gay Whitelighter from the future convinces the Dolt to unleash
some super-secret Mythological Mojo from Whitelighterland. |
| |
5x23
Oh my Goddess Part 2
The Glamorous Goddesses, after much Dolt-related angst and soul-searching,
send the Titans to Hell. Piper freaks about the Dolt's promotion to Elder
for a moment, but everything's made right when Big Gay Chris blows that
damn dirty Dolt clear out of the sky. I love that crazy kid. |
| |
|
Season
6 |
6x01
Valhalley of the dolls
SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part I)
Piper's a moron, Raige is a dog-walker, Big Gay Chris macks on a chick,
and Phoebe gets a new power. It's a mess -- an ungodly mess. But it's our
mess, right? Right? RIGHT?! |
| |
6x02
Valhalley of the dolls
SPARKLE, Phoebe, SPARKLE! (Part II)
After the expected amounts of stupidity and angst, Phoebe and Raige free
the Dolt from the Isle Of Dykes and force Piper to process her issues
regarding the Dolt's promotion. And in the end, Piper and the Dolt receive
one-way tickets to Splitsville. Like I care. |
| |
6x03 Dragon's
heat
Not Without My Done One
Phoebe's stupid new power sparks an office-wide brawl, Raige helps a
coworker avoid their lecherous boss's advances, Tiny Gay Chris and his Big
Gay Self make some new friends, and Piper's fabulous hair saves the day.
The Dolt? Fucking worthless, as usual. Color me shocked. |
| |
6x04
Dirty blondes
Behold The Power Of Sleaze
The skanky Stillman sisters arrive on Prescott Street avec kneepads to
swipe the Charmed Ones' identities and powers. Soon enough, everyone in
the Glamorous Ladies' lives accepts the impostors as the real thing. Big
Heroic Chris eventually figures out what's going on and saves the day, but
not before his long-suffering husband loses most of his internal organs to
the infernal machinations of Kern & Ko. I hate this show. |
| |
6x05
Love's a witch
Never Was There A Tale Of More Woe!
Okay, so that's a complete lie, but if they're ripping off Romeo and
Juliet for tonight's A-plot, the least I can do is oblige them with an
appropriate quote. Raige finds herself in the middle of a decades-old feud
between two witchy San Francisco families, and things only get worse when
one of the dead combatants comes back from the grave to possess Raige's
body. In other news, Phoebe's stoopid new power continues to annoy, but
tonight Big Gay Chris finally does something about it. God, I love him.
And I hate her. |
| |
6x06
Fantasies in the flesh
Welcome To Fantathy Thithtern!
Thimon from Go arrivezth in Than Franthithco to thuck the Glamorouth
Ladieth into alternate realitiezth that ekthitht in hith well. It'th up to
Big Gay Chrith to thave the Pth, which he doezth after getting himthelf
thporked by a Darklighter'th crothbow. I promithed mythself I'd thtop
typing like thith after that inithal paragraph, but it'th jutht too much
fun! Thilliezth. |
| |
6x07
Soul sister
Soul Soporific
Raige frees a lawyer who sold his soul to Keith Szarabajka by tricking her
sisters into vanquishing tonight's guest demon. Meanwhile, Piper dates,
Tiny Gay Chris sabotages those dates with some cheap special effects,
Phoebe encounters a lard-ass from her past, and Big Gay Chris and the Dolt
go Jurassic. Oh, pardon me - "Cretaceous." Shut up, Dolt. |
| |
6x08
Charmed in Camelot
The Madness Of Tiny Gay Chris
The Manor Morons realize that Tiny Gay Chris is a freaky little sociopath
when some moistened bint lobs a scimitar at him, and he promptly uses it
to skewer Edward Atterton like a pig at an open-pit barbecue. Uh oh. |
| |
6x09
Hot mamas
Little Monsters
The Glamorous Ladies are flung into a tizzy of epic proportions when they
find a half-Manticore infant buried in a pile of rags. After much furious
debate and rampant bitchery, they decide to rescue the kid from his
demonic relatives and reunite him with his human dad, played by the
stunning Seth Peterson and his dewy eyes. Seth Peterson. Sigh. |
| |
6x10
Chris crossed
Big Gay Chris Went To 2026, And All I Got Was This Lousy Headache
But I also got some spectacular Dolt abuse, so this episode earns an A. My
husband finally gets an hour devoted to his backstory, and to no one's
surprise, we discover that The Doltine Psycho's grown up to become a
muscle-bound, power-mad sociopath who's destroyed both his family and the
city that family's called home for generations. Rotten little son of a
bitch. Erm. "Witch." |
| |
6x11 Witchstock
Hippie Bitches
The Glam Gals head to 1967 for no good reason whatsoever, and slaughter
Continuity on their way there. Meanwhile, The Mighty Spooge Demon plays
mind games with Grams, Big Gay Chris, and the Dolt. As Grams is the only
one of the three humans with a fully functioning brain, The Spooge wins. |
| |
6x12 Prince Charmed
Eduardo Verástegui. Naked.
That's all you really need to know. |
| |
6x13 Used Karma
Mata Whori
And the Trademark Without Pity goes to xtremesage for this episode's
alternate title. Once again, the alternate title is the best thing about
this whole mess, but let's keep that to ourselves, shall we? |
| |
6x14 The legend of sleepy Halliwell
The Headless, The Sweathogs, And America's Crotch
And if that headline doesn't scare you away from this one, none of the
wicked foulness that follows possibly could. |
| |
6x15 I dream of Phoebe
Let's Play Master And Servant
On second thought, let's not. A little too kinky, you know what I mean?
Phoebe and Slampiece Buttfuck are transformed into genies who must
acquiesce to the every whim of Big Gay Chris and special guest demon Saba
Homayoon, respectively. The good news? Phoebe's thoroughly humiliated by
Big Gay Chris. The even better news? Buttfuck and his mysterious and
annoying problems with magic are outta here, permanently. |
| |
6x16 Midnight rendezvous
Sex And The Single Dolt
The Dolt quite literally nails Piper against a wall, so Big Gay Chris gets
to stick around for a little while longer. With special guest appearances
by yours truly, and several other familiar faces from the depths of Hell.
Um. I mean, "TWoP Towers." |
| |
6x17 Hyde School Reunion
"Pointless Filler Episode Number 128"
Containing "Stock Character Number 32," "Stock Character Number 87,"
"Stock Character Number 146," "Stock Character Number 253," and "The Feebs."
This show blows. |
| |
6x18 Spin City
Chris Of The Spider Woman
Sooner or later you're certain to meet - in [72virg=ins], the Manor, the
street - there's no place on earth you're likely to miss Big Chris. Sooner
or later! The Presidio's Dolt's doom! Chris's red contacts flicker in the
dark of the gloom! And the webbing will shake. And the son? He is pissed!
Here comes Big Chris. |
| |
6x19 Charmed on trial
Sex Is Like A Misdemeanor
Da more you miss, da meaner you get. No, it has absolutely nothing to do
with this episode, but trust me: It's better this way. |
| |
6x20 Stormy leather
Schlong Day's Journey Into Raige
Don't look at me. The sickos on the forums came up with what you see
above. And by the way, if they're going to reference that particular
O'Neill play in an episode title, would it have killed them to saddle
Piper with a morphine addition? I can just see her wandering through
Not!warts with her wedding dress, babbling, "That was in the winter of
senior year. Then in the spring something happened to me. Yes, I remember.
I fell in love with a gargoyle-faced dolt and was so happy for a time!" It
would be beautiful, man. Sniff. |
| |
6x21 Reality check
Biting the hand that snatches food from their mouths
Krista Vernoff retreats from that Wonderfalls debacle to pen this hourlong
screed against the reality television genre. Pity the episode was pummeled
in the ratings by the Survivor finale. Irony! |
| |
6x22 It's a bad bad bad bad world
The Passion Of The Chris, Part I
Phoebe and Raige head to The Bizarro World to rescue Big Gay Chris and the
Dolt as Piper heads into labor. Snidely and his Bizarro doppelganger are
behind it all, of course, and surprisingly enough, Snidely's Bizarro
version is a hell of a lot more entertaining than he is. Where did this
shockingly entertaining episode come from, and why couldn't we have had
more like it during the season? |
| |
6x23 It's a bad bad bad bad world
The Passion Of The Chris, Part II
Big Gay Chris dies, and nothing else will ever matter again. Don't worry
about me, though. I'll just be over here, sucking on a tailpipe in
anticipation of a Chrisless seventh season. Bastards. |
| |
|
Season 7 |
7x01 A call to arms
A Call To Many Crappy Arm-Like Digital Inserts Of Discontent
Featured in this crap-packed season premiere are Piper, the Dolt, Phoebe,
Raige, the Psycho, Tiny Gay Chris, Barbas, the Doormat, Pepper Anderson,
Stupid Uncle Phil, our intrepid Girl Editor, the Not!warts Nit!wits, a
disembodied Head thingy, some random demon from way back in Season Five,
and professional boyband fucktard Nick Lachey. With a cast that large,
it's no wonder they had nothing left in the budget for decent effects. |
| |
7x02 The Bare Witch Project
Hag On A Nag
Piper risks a citation when she unleashes her right breast in public and,
in a desperate attempt to keep the thing from bubbling over, sticks its
business end in Tiny Gay Chris's agile little mouth at an outdoor café.
Meanwhile, a charismatic Elder's threat to shut out all vagrant Nit!wits
from Not!warts leads pensive Raige to ponder a career change that could
carry some genuine risk, but she seems not to regret her decision when she
finally swaps diaper duty at the Manor for more lofty pursuits at the
school. In other news, the Head needles the Dolt atop the Golden Gate
Bridge, and things get real quiet at Casa Demian -- a Sunday silence, if
you will -- when the Feebs plants her decidedly bare and old rosebud upon
a horse in a spectacular bid to out-skank guest innocent Lady Godiva as
many in the resulting crowd chant their approval and foolish pleasure at
Phoebe's latest assault on all that is decent and good. Needless to say,
the whole thing made Demian want to go for gin. Feebs? Behave yourself in
the future, you unbridled whore. |
| |
7x03 Cheaper by the coven
Wiccaning II: The, Um, Wiccaning, Actually
Tiny Gay Chris spends most of the hour desperately seeking some
much-needed attention from his neglectful family, but this one's all about
the evil Psycho's supposed issues. Boring! Thank God for Grams, because
otherwise? This one would have sucked ass. |
| |
7x04 Charrrmed
"Shiver Me Bitches!"
Yes, the parrot said, "Shiver me bitches!" No, I don't know how they got
that one past the suits at the WB. But let me tell you, it was the only
worthwhile moment in this evening's entire presentation. Arrr! |
| |
7x05 Styx feet under
If Death Doesn't Become Her, Will It At Least Shut Her Up?
The "her" of course being a strident, annoying Piper. And then a
blisteringly repugnant Raige. Unfortunately, the hag best suited for a
shroud remains vital and yappy throughout. Stupid Phoebe ruins everything! |
| |
7x06 Once in a blue moon
It's Just Another Menstrual Monday
The Glamorous Ladies are inexplicably transformed into hellhounds when the
second blue moon in one year coincides with their synchronized menstrual
cycles. Kill me. Now. |
| |
7x07 Someone to witch over me
Big Chris To Watch Over Me
The Pretty returns for five minutes of drug-induced flashbacks to previous
episodes. The flashbacks are hideously boring, but man. The Pretty. In a
red t-shirt. With ridiculously bright new sneakers. Sigh. We missed you,
Big Gay Chris. |
| |
7x08 Charmed Noir
Farewell, My Liver
No, I didn't actually pull a Ray Milland and drink myself into a stupor
during this one, but the temptation certainly was there. Raige and Li'l
Bulging Brody get sucked into a pulpy, derivative detective novel
concocted by a couple of those pesky Nit!wits, and hijinks ensue. It's
better than it sounds. No, really. |
| |
7x09 There's something about
Leo
There's Something About The Dolt
And boy, is it sticky. Kidding! I kid because I hate. The Dolt drops the
Avatar bomb on the Glamorous Ladies, and hijinks ensue. If by "hijinks,"
of course, one means "death and despair for everyone involved." It's the
feel-good Thanksgiving episode you've been waiting six and half years to
see! |
| |
7x10 Witchness protection
Witless Protection
The Glamorous Ladies try and fail to protect Charisma Carpenter from Oded
Fehr's evil bee hands. Yawn. Wake me up when someone kills stupid Raige
for her asinine behavior this evening. |
| |
7x11 Ordinary witches
Secretly INSANE Brody And The Warehouse Of Doom
Raige drags her latest slampiece into the past to relive the single worst
afternoon of his life, in all its gory detail. I think she likes him. |
| |
7x12 Extreme Makeover: World
Edition
Something Better Change
And apparently what did change was the quality of the writing, the quality
of the performances, and the quality of the special effects. They hit this
one out of the park. No, I'm serious. Shockingly good. |
| |
7x13 Charmageddon
Is That All There Is To Utopia? Is That All There Is?
This episode gets off to a start as rotten as I'm Not Candy's teeth, but
they somehow manage to pull it together long enough in the second half to
make this one of the best in a very long time. And in the end, Utopia's
been reversed, the Avatars are gone for good, and Brody's a Whitelighter.
Yeah, I know. That last bit does suck big bags of crap, doesn't it? |
| |
7x14 Carpe Demon
Zane's World
Rejected alternate titles for this episode include The Zane Of Their
Existence, Zane And The Art Of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Zane Mutiny,
and The Legend Of Billy's Jeans. Billy Zane zooms into town, and Phoebe's
panties may never be dry again. Damn you, Zane! |
| |
7x15 Show Ghouls
And The Band Played On
Until they were all immolated in a horrific nightclub fire. And then they
played some more, until they were immolated in another horrific nightclub
fire, because the stupid band's caught in a stupid time loop. Morons. |
| |
7x16 The Seven Year Witch
This/Sucks
And not even Julian McMahon's return to Charmed after two years on the
far-superior Nip/Tuck can save it. No demons. No innocents. No Glamorous
Lady in any real peril. No spells or potions or Gay Chris, either Tiny or
Big. Just the Dolt, on an hour-long walkabout in the West Texas
wilderness. I hate life. |
| |
7x17 Scry Hard
Welcome To The Dolthouse
An nefarious demonic attack leaves the Dolt with a gaping hole in his back
fat, so the Psycho decides to trap both of his parents in a Manor-replica
dollhouse up in the attic. Because he wants his father to bleed to death.
And you still think that little freak is cute? |
| |
7x18 Little Box Of Horrors
Suddenly Katya!
Is torturing coeds! Suddenly coeds! Cringe in despair! Suddenly Katya is
here to provide us with brisk condescension -- Katya's our friend! Until
stupid Raige vanquishes her. Annoying! |
| |
7x19 Freaky Phoebe
"Your Phoebe's So Ugly..."
"...instead of putting the bungee cord on her ankle, they wrap it around
her neck." If only. The Manor Morons battle a differently beautied dark
demonic force who just wants to be loved. Is that so wrong? |
| |
7x20 Imaginary Fiends
Jesus Is Just Alright With Me
Mainly because they turned Mangy Jesus into Junior Dolt for this episode.
Yes, the Glamorous Ladies manage to drag Mangy Jesus into the past from
2028. Ask me if I care. Go on. Ask. |
| |
7x21 Death
Becomes Them
Tim Whoooooo? Inspector Whaaaaaa?
That title's much funnier when you pretend you're Edna Garrett while
you're reading it out loud. Trust me. Zankou slaughters, then zombifies a
bunch of people near and dear to the Glamorous Ladies' hearts in order to
weaken them to the point where he can snatch the Book of Shadows out of
the nonexistent attic. Problem is, we've never seen any of these meat
puppets before, ever, so please remind me: Why should we care?
|
| |
7x22
Something Wicca This Way Goes
And Something Bitchy This Way Goes
For all of three and a half months, until it returns for a goddamned
eighth season to inflict its seemingly neverending reign of bad writing
and worse fashion sense upon the earth for at least another year. There is
no justice in this world
|
| |
|
Season 8 |
8x01 Still Charmed & Kicking
Still Charmed And Sucking
Everything you expected it to be, and much, much less. The glamoured
Glamorous Idiots get shunted aside so the evil Brad Kern can sling a
19-year-old retarded bimbo into bondage gear and parade her across the
screen. It's too depressing for words. |
| |
8x02 Malice In Wonderland
Down The Bimbo-Hole
Twinkle, twinkle, Cooter Tat! How I wonder where you're at! Just above her
cooch you fly! I shove daggers in my eyes! Twinkle, twinkle, Cooter Tat!
How I wonder where you're...oh, screw it. Off with their heads! |
| |
8x03 Run,
Piper, Run
Caged!
Will Piper come out a woman or a wildcat? That's the question on
everyone's mind when Piper ends up in the slammer for a crime she
didn't...oh, who am I trying to kid? That question is on no one's mind,
because no one cares about this stupid show anymore. |
| |
8x04
Desperate Housewitches
Desperate Crackmonkeys
The production's drastically reduced eighth-season budget has forced Brad
Kern to yank all the party rock from his highly trained typewriting
crackmonkeys' fun pipes. In the throes of severe withdrawal, they came up
with this crap. Hey, do you have a better explanation? |
| |
8x05
Rewitched
Rebitched
Hey, if they can repurpose old titles for the episodes, I can do the same
for the recaps, right? The Manor Morons cast off their glamours to rejoin
society as Capital-H Heroes for the Department of Homeland Security. No,
I'm not kidding with that. And I'm also not kidding when I assure you that
this one wasn't nearly as wretched as the last three or fo-- oh, the hell
with it: This one was pretty crappy, too. "Hero"? In the so-called War On
Terror? Phoebe? I want to die. |
| |
8x06 Kill
Billie, Vol. 1
The Phantom Of The Maggot Neck Is Here
For all of about a half an hour, until The Retarded Bimbo vanquishes his
embarrassingly clad ass. They're never, ever going to cancel this garbage,
are they? |
| |
8x07 The
Lost Picture Show
The One Where Demian Loses His Mind. Again.
Believe it or not, the latest all-but-crippling bout of insanity has
nothing to do with the Glamorous Idiots, The Retarded Bimbo, the return of
Raige's natural father, or the indifferently scripted piece of garbage the
typewriting crackmonkeys are calling an episode this evening. This time,
it's all about The Krause. |
| |
8x08 Battle
Of The Hexes
It's Absurd! It's A Bane! It's Supertard!
Tonight, the typewriting crackmonkeys rehash the primary plot of "Witches
In Tights" for The Retarded Bimbo's benefit, and what I said three years
ago about that episode holds true for this one as well: Next time, toss
Julian McMahon into the spandex. Then maybe I'll pay attention. This
stupid, stupid show. |
| |
8x09 Hulkus Pocus
Piper Halliwell, Ph.D
Piper deploys her mad molecular biology skillz to concoct an antidote for
a virus that's been ripping through the magical community. Of course, she
does this in all of three seconds and off-screen, because this show sucks.
Jesus. |
| |
8x10 Vaya
Con Leos
Dolt, Be Not Proud
Because you're going to spend eternity as a massive, gargoyle-faced
ice pop, you poor bastard. Damn you, Kern! |
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8x11 Mr. & Mrs. Witch
Retard Family Values
This week, the Manor Morons deal with the Retard's assassinating parents and
learn that corporate America is evil.
It's taken them eight years to realize that? |
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8x12 Payback's a Witch
Revenge of the Retard
Every time a fan barfs, a Whitelighter gets her hands! In related news, Raige loooooves Henry. |
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8x13 Repo Manor
The Freaky Importance of Scrying Hard for the Power of Three Non-Blondes
And the Trademark Without Pity goes to The Done One, with a crucial
assist
from Solidify, for that rather succinct encapsulation of the previous
episodes the typewriting crackmonkeys tossed into a blender to come up
with tonight's script. Guess what? It wasn't as bad as anyone expected it
to be.
Guess why? Minimal Retard, and when she was on screen, she was
getting her oddly proportioned ass handed to her by The Dark Demonic Ps.
It's fun for the whole family! |
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8x14 12 Angry Zen
Zodiac Killers
And by the above, I refer not to this evening's dark demonic forces sent
from the flaming maw of Hell, but rather to the typewriting crackmonkeys responsible for this evening's choppy, sloppy, nonsensical, poorly thought
out, and disjointed piece of crap. Will no one ever cancel this show? Woe
unto us,
Les Moonves! |
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8x15 The Last Temptation Of
Christy
We Don't Need No Water, Let The Bimbo Retard Burn!
And the Trademark Without Pity goes to the lovely and talented The Done
One for the delightful lyric above that so succinctly captures audience
reaction
to Maggot Neck's too-close encounter with her sister's primary
power this evening. Pity Raige and Phoebe had to intervene, isn't it? |
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8x16 Engaged And Confused
Engaged And Confused
Behind every good man there is a woman, and that woman was Martha
Washington, man, and every day George would come home, she would
have a
big fat bowl waiting for him, man, when he come in the door, man, she was
a hip, hip, hip lady, man. Sadly, Raige Matthews is no Martha Washington. |
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8x17 Generation Hex
Li'l Orphan Retard
Candor hires a couple of unvanquishable demonic freelancers to off Ma and
Pa Retard, thereby earning for himself The Wrath Of Chrissssty. Meanwhile,
Raige and Piper have no real subplot to speak of, while Stoop and the Feebs bungle their way through her monstrous dating history so she might learn
to love again -- for the ninety-third time since this series began. CANCELLED! |
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8x18 The Torn Identity
The Short And Unhappy Marriage Of Raige Matthews-Mitchell
Two weeks after tripping down the aisle with Darling Henry, Raige has
capital-I Issues with the union that send her reeling into the arms of
Stoop - but not for any of the many, many reasons you or I would go
reeling into Victor Webster's arms, because stuff like that only happens
on other television shows. You know, ones that haven't been CANCELLED! |
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8x19 The Jung And The Restless
The Three Stigmata Of Chrissssty
Ssssecretly Evil Chrissssty hurls the Manor Morons onto a dream plane,
then sends her maggoty-necked retard of a
sister after them to prove to the latter just how selfish the Glamorous
Ladies really are. The bad news? It works.
The good news? CANCELLED! |
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